4 Keys To Peaceful Communication

In this second part series, “Communication: Turning Mother-Daughter Battles Into Bridges” I wanted to give you all a listing of the commonly occurring conflict areas I hear about in my practice. They are timeless and universal and I am sure you all relate to at least one if not more.nnAreas of Mother-Daughter Conflict Include But Aren’t Limited To:nn * Independence/Power Strugglesn * Curfewn * Friends you believe are negative influencesn * Grades/Academic Performancen * Choices/Decision Makingn * Homework/Procrastinationn * Datingn * Drinking/Drugsn * Taking personal responsibility for her life/her priorities, etc.n * Respect/Attitude/Talking Backn * Parties without adult supervisionnnThere are also some additional timely conflict areas given the access to internet sites such as YOUTube, MySpace and Facebook.com. Anxiety levels between mothers and daughters often center around those sites and the content girls want to display as well as the amount of time girls spend on them.nnAs your eternal optimist and parenting coach, I am here to say, there are a few key ways to bridge these gaps and have more closeness and connection.nn1. Talk to Other Moms RegularlynnLearn what other moms are experiencing with their daughters. When children are younger, moms communicated more with each other on the playground, etc. As children become teens, it becomes harder to connect with other parents because teens’ social lives are in “their hands.” nnRemedy: It is important to communicate and connect with other moms. Have lunch and talk. Reach out to others who are not necessarily your close friends as well. You can learn a lot about what YOUR relationship by talking to other moms. You can also “band together” to raise your teen safely and feel “in the loop” on her life.nnBonus Idea: Create a forum for other parents to discuss issues and concerns by hosting a lunch or brunch in your home. And you can choose to let your teen know or not know that you are doing so. That’s YOUR right as a parent.nn2. ListeningnnListening is the foundation of all good communication. How do you talk to your teen when she has an attitude or won’t communicate? When she comes home from school, she may be ranting and raving about a teacher or coach who has singled her out. You feel angry and reactive because of her bad attitude or tone of voice, yet you know she is upset and you want to help. What can you do?nnRemedy: Learn to listen and do what I call the “pause and parrot” technique. For 60 seconds, actually looking at the second hand on your watch, stay completely quiet. Listen without interrupting or saying anything. Don’t give advice or try to fix it.nnAfter the 60 seconds, “feed back” or “parrot” what your daughter is saying versus giving her feedback. For example, your daughter is ranting and complaining about how much her math teacher hates her, you look at your watch and time yourself for 60 seconds and even if your daughter asks if you are listening just nod your head affirmatively. After one complete minute, you would say something like, “you are really angry at your teacher” or “you really feel like she/he is out to get you don’t you?”nnInitially your teenager may look at your sideways (especially if you have traditionally been Fix-It-Mom) but doing this will most likely reduce the level of ranting and raving and let her know you empathize with her struggle.nnHere’s The Key: Teens want to feel heard and more than anything they want to feel like you understand them. Using the “pause and parrot” technique lets your daughter know that you are listening without judging and you are a safe person to go to when she has a problem.nnBonus: When she feels listened to and heard, she is in a better position to solve her own problems or possibly take suggestions from you! Cool!!nn3. Effective DialogingnnAll mom’s can relate to being the recipient of the “teen eye roll” or the blank stare. These are indicators that your daughter is shutting you off. This can occur when she feels you are lecturing, preaching or repeating yourself (teens HATE that!)nnRemedy: Instead of sounding like a broken record to your teen, ask questions to get her thinking. For example, one of my client’s daughters came home from school and she had a list of friends she wanted to invite to her sweet 16 party. Her mom looked over the list and saw the name of a girl she couldn’t believe her daughter had thought to invite because this girl had historically treated the daughter horribly. (Can you relate?)nnThe mom launched right in to what I call “teacher mode” and began to badger her daughter to find out why she had included the girl’s name on the list. The daughter got defensive and shut down, feeling undermined by her mom’s questioning. This is a tough situation and one that I empathize with mom’s on. How can your daughter think of inviting a girl who had been so mean to her just months ago to the point of tears, and now think of including her on her special birthday celebration? It’s so difficult to detach from your own emotions and allow your daughter the dignity to make her own choice, but YOU HAVE TO DO IT! You don’t however have to stay completely quiet about this. I recommend you ask questions to get your daughter thinking about her choice to invite this girl. For example, you can say something like this:nn“I see you have such a great list here and a lot of friends you want to invite. This is going to be a terrific party. I noticed you have “---------“ name on this list. What makes you want to invite her to the party? Do you think you’ll be comfortable having her there” If you ask these questions in a gentle way (not from a heated or charged place because of your personal disdain for this girl) she will tend to think about how she might feel rather than become defensive or shut down.nn4. Four-to-One RulennRemedy: Every time you hear yourself make a demand, or critical comment, find four ways to acknowledge or praise your daughter. This also applies to daughters for their mothers. (Glad you’ll be getting more “thank you’s” soon?) This will bring you both out of the vacuum of being critical and become more respectful of your relationship.nnBonus Exercise: Take 5 minutes each night and go into your daughter’s room. For 5 minutes tell each other what you value and you appreciate about one another. This reduces tension and builds a bridge immediately.