***A Day in the Life of a Bulimic

The way I learned to deal with my feelings was not to feel. One of the ways I learned to do this was to think of something different. For instance, I looked forward to getting some candy from the little store on my way home from school. I would get a cola soft drink and a frosted pastry or candy. I always felt better when I ate that. Little did I know that I was opening a floodgate of addiction with this newly learned coping behavior.

I gained weight and decided to go on a diet. I would go for days eating nothing or very little. I lost a lot of weight. Then there were days when I had to eat. Once I did, I could not quit. Eventually I progressed from anorexia to binge eating to bulimia and finally to anything that would make me numb.

The first thought that comes to me upon awakening is what I did last night. I check my stomach to make sure my pelvic bones are the highest point and my stomach is concave. They aren’t. I use the bathroom and then weigh myself. This is the first of several times I will be stepping on the scale today. Some people read their horoscope. I read my scale. The number on the scale is in direct proportion to how I will feel today. Before I get into the shower I check my body in the full-length mirror. I feel disgusted. My thighs are touching and my stomach is sticking out.

I put on my makeup carefully, avoiding looking into my eyes. When I do look into my eyes, I feel such loathing and disgust. I get so shaky that it’s hard to put my mascara on. I hate myself. I dress impeccably. People tell me I am beautiful, but I don’t believe them. If they only knew!

I look at the clock in the car and see that I am already late for work. Anxiety floods my body. I make up a story to tell my boss about why I am late again. When I get to work, I try to get to my desk unnoticed. Someone brought donuts today. I decide to have one. It tastes so good. I savor the sweetness. I try to make it last but the donut disappears too fast. I’ll have another one, I think, trying to recapture that sensation I felt with the first bite. But it doesn’t taste like that. I keep thinking the next bite will do the trick. The second donut disappears faster than the first. What have I done? I must get rid of it. I go to the bathroom and vomit.

I go back to my desk acting like nothing is wrong. My self-talk takes over. “Who are you trying to fool? You don’t know what you’re doing. You will never get this done in time.” I think about the donuts. That will make me feel better. I go into the break room and eat one, then another and another. I make sure no one sees me. I feel like I am in a different place, zoned out and calm at last. Someone comes in and asks where the donuts are. I feel like a trapped rat and I must get away to my safe place of empting my stomach.

I go home for lunch. I don’t want anyone to see how much I eat. I drive by the fast food take-out window and order as if it’s for the whole office, but I eat it all. I even buy extra drinks to make it look like the order is for more than one person. I eat in my car and then rush home to purge.
I am late for work. My boss calls me into her office and tells me that if I am late again there will be consequences. I think of stopping at the bakery and ordering six chocolate chip cookies and six more with nuts. I work through the afte
oon feeling anxious and fearful, but know that I can get some relief when I get to the bakery.

I drive in a daze after work to the bakery. I get my cookies and I decide I will eat one in the car. After eating it, I see that it was just what I was looking for. My mind clears of all negative self-talk, my anxiety is abiding, and my fear is gone. Right now is all there is and nothing else matters at this moment. I have another cookie and another. I suddenly realize that I have eaten the last one. I am still in the parking lot. I can’t go in again and get more cookies.

I decide I will go to the grocery store and get some food to take home. I get chips, an apple pie, more cookies, ice cream and paper towels to camouflage the contents of my cart. I take my groceries into my apartment filled with anticipation about feeling numb again. I vomit away the cookies and potato chips after drinking a diet cola and then weigh myself. I am gaining weight.

I take off my suit and change into my large food-stained T-shirt. I turn on the TV. It doesn’t really matter what’s on. I just need the noise to divert my attention from feeling anything. I half-listen as I fix a piece of apple pie with ice cream on top. It is so good. I start mentally beating myself up about all the bad things I think I have done and for who I am.

I can’t believe this has been my day again. Am I possessed or something? I eat enough for three people. Maybe I have multiple personality disorder. Maybe it is a demon possession. I can’t stop this even though I want to stop.

For more information on Eating Disorder Recovery programs, please call Rebecca's House for a free assessment at 800.711.2062 or go to http://rebeccashouse.org