Angry Children - Why Worry Doesn't Work

Your son explodes.

Your daughter snaps back.

You react - then worry.

Angry children generate some of the deepest worry in parents and understandably so.

• No one likes hanging around an unpredictable powder keg.

• No one likes wondering when the next outburst will occur.

• No one likes the out-of-control feeling that living with an angry child can produce.

And that's the point.

Angry children often want control - and use their anger to keep us, as parents, off guard.

That tactic often works, upfront. But as any good leader knows, getting control of a situation is only the beginning. Real leadership is about teaching others the habit of self-control.

As parents, that's our goal, too. Teaching our kids self-control. That's why we potty train them when they're toddlers and why we teach them the dangers of crossing the street.

Our kids must learn how to take care of themselves.

A child who is using anger to push people away or deflect authority is a long ways from exhibiting self-control. He often wants others to take responsibility for his own problems but he wants to run the show at the same time.

But life isn't like that, is it?

If you find yourself blowing up as a reaction to your child's angry outbursts, then following that reaction with a strong dose of guilt and worry, the change you are looking for will have to come from you.

That's good news! This is something YOU can control!

• Stop the Worry Cycle.

When we ask how to deal with an angry child we can get confused. Sometimes as a mom or dad, we feel as though we are not responding correctly - or seriously enough - if we don't react to our angry children with an equal emotional outburst. You know, if she explodes, then I have to explode to keep things even.

Have you ever felt like that?

How we get this mindset that equality of emotional intensity means we are exercising authority properly I don't know, but I think most of us have fallen into this trap. I know I have and more than once.

Instead, our out of control child needs us to show our maturity (which does equal strength and authority, by the way) and calmly lead him to some healthy choices.

And that's how we stop the worry cycle. Through firm, competent, consistent action.

Let's look at a simple scenario to get a better idea of this in real life.

• Child is told "no" about something. She explodes.

• Rush of adrenaline urges parent to shout at child and tell her to stop her behavior. Now.

• Parent training pays off, however, as Mom remembers the ONE THING she needs to do before responding to her angry child.

• She is supposed to step back and count - slowly. To a hundred if need be.

• So she does.

• Child starts to continue yelling, but realizes no one has answered her first outburst. Frankly, she is taken off guard just a bit. She regains her composure quickly, however, and repeats - loudly - her first comment.

• Mom is still breathing and counting. But now she realizes she's done something important.

• She has interrupted the emotional cycle. Just for a second she feels like a detective, looking for evidence to untangle a mystery. An objective observer.

• Mom composes herself and calmly says, "yelling is not okay anymore in this family. You will spend some time by yourself until you can calm down and talk like a reasonable person."

• Then Mom leaves the room, leaving stunned child wondering if Mom's lost it.

The truth is, Mom just FOUND it. The beginning out of the worry cycle and the start of a new method of handling her angry child.

To be honest, this is an over-simplification and only the beginning, but it is an important one. An angry child needs a reactionary audience to continue his tirade and as a parent, you can deny him that.

From there the action must continue with realistic, enforceable boundaries and finding a way to help your angry kid let you listen to his needs instead of exploding with those needs.

All of that takes time and learning new parenting insights. But it all starts with interrupting the worry cycle and derailing the angry outburst.

And if you want it, that control belongs to you.