BEYOND MECHANICAL SEX

It seems that the magazines and bookstores are filled with advice on how to be fantastic in bed. There are books on the G Spot, multiple orgasms for men, and hour long marathons in every conceivable position. Sure, some of this is fun to read and might briefly perk our stale repetoire of erotic fantasies, but come on, how many of us really have the time, energy or inclination to rack up the kind of sexual statistics these author say we should be achieving. However, for quite a few folks, achieving is what sex seems to be about. These goal-oriented individuals (and couples)count the climaxes as though making love is the same as accumulating orgasms. I guess these are the people who talk about "scoring."

I would like to suggest something quite different. I would like to suggest that the experience of "intimacy" is not the same as the performance of a sex act. (That's not to say that we can't be sexual and intimate at the same time, but intimacy should be our goal -- with or without arousal, with or without orgasms.) I've written a book on loving cunnilingus and that's certainly a sexual act (despite what some politicians might have recently claimed). I've written a book for premature ejaculators, and the purpose most men would read it would be to prolong the duration of sexual intercourse. I have just complete coauthoring a book for women who have not had orgasms or have had difficulty in reaching them, because orgasms are important.

My message, however, is that erotic sensuality and intimate sexuality involve a focus on the "process." and not the "goal." This is a "fail-safe" concept of sexuality, as the emotional bonding and the physical intimacy experienced is not evaluated and graded for how the encounter turns out -- it is in the journey that partners unite, and is it good if there are orgasms and it is good if there aren't!