Beyond Self-Help: Selfless Help

An Imperfect Science Like any organisation, service, product or concept that has been created by humans, the field of self-help - or as some like to call it, the 'science of self-improvement' - is flawed. No biggie there. Of course it's not perfect because 'we' created it, and it makes complete sense to say that an imperfect creator can't produce perfection. While the ever-expanding world of self-help and all it's associated products, programs, resources and services has served and continues to serve a purpose (the overall value of that purpose is up for discussion and debate), it might be fair to say that we've never had more dysfunctional people, a more dysfunctional society, a more dysfunctional (unhealthy) environment or in truth, a more dysfunctional world than we do right now. Is this just some inflammatory angle I'm taking just to invoke emotion? Nope, it's merely my observation and opinion. Take a peek around your immediate world and you might see more obesity, more debt, more loneliness, more people in therapy and more marital breakdowns than you've ever seen before. If not more, then certainly no less - despite our ever-increasing knowledge, understanding, awareness, resources and technology. And our glut of self-help offerings. Dare to take a broader (global) look and you'll probably see just as much poverty, starvation, violence, war, misery and unnecessary deaths as we've ever had at any time in our history. Perhaps more. Why Personal Development is not 'the' Answer. People (that is, you and I) are the answer to our numerous challenges (both individually and globally) and personal development resources (such as this one) are just that; resources. Whether those resources prove to be valuable or not, depends on what we do with them. That's why Gandhi said "be the change you want to see in your world" and not "buy my set of CD's and book into my workshop!" Creating your best life (situation, relationship, health, career) will always come back to you; what you do and don't do - the decisions you make, the action you take. You and you alone will determine success or failure in your world. Don't misinterpret what I'm saying here... of course there are many factors and variables which will influence and impact on the change process, our personal growth journey, our real-life experiences and the type of results we produce in our world, but without doubt, the biggest determinant of success or failure, joy or pain, growth or stagnation is us - what we do with what we've been given. Knowledge + Understanding + Application + Consistency = Change. And no, I'm not saying that books, CD's, DVD's, Websites (thankfully) and the ever-expanding range of programs are of no value as we attempt to create 'new and improved us', I'm saying that they are as useful (or as useless) as we make them. That's why some people have been visiting my site religiously for two years, reading every word and even quoting me, with very little change in their reality, because transformation ain't about what we know, it's about what we consistently apply. Far too may of us live the stop-start life and have been doing so for years. Doing, not doing. Applying, not applying. On track, on the couch. In the zone, out of control. In shape, out of shape. Fit, fat. Irony? The direction this conversation has taken might seem somewhat ironic coming from a personal development bloke, it's not; it's honest. Personal development resources can play an important role in our transformation but they can't be the change, only we can. That's why some people will come along to our RYL weekend and subsequently see amazing change in their world, and others not. I can tell people what to do, why to do it, when to do it and how to do it... but the only person I can change is me. I can influence (coach, encourage, educate, support) people, but I can't actually change one person. And for the people who do see amazing transformation post-RYL, it will be because of what they do, not what I say. I can be a catalyst but I can't be the change for anyone but me. In sport, the coach can coach her ass off but she can't actually score a point, or win (or lose) the game, because she doesn't actually play. Personal Development Pitfalls Having said that personal development can be a valuable part of the journey, there are a few caveats; things I want to throw in for your consideration... 1. Some personal development resources will never lead to genuine happiness, contentment or fulfillment because they are completely self-focused, or even, self-obsessed. I believe that some resources (I won't name them) actually contribute to the dysfunction because their overall philosophy is grounded in a false truth; that happiness is (in some way) dependant on the accumulation of assets - he who dies with the most toys wins. Much (if not, all) of their philosophy is geared around 'getting' and the gratifying of self. The ridiculous number of get-rich books on the shelves in book stores is testament to this. Our dysfunctional society has never been more obsessed with the material, the physical and all things external. Having said that, I do believe we are beginning to see something of a shift and a gradual awakening of the collective consciousness (as Ekhart would say). Keep in mind that there's a big chasm between being self-aware (good) and self-ish (blah). It's my belief that personal development should, among other things, empower us to become more self-aware, more self-less, more conscious (in our thoughts, choices and behaviours) and more humble in the way we live. While it's great to consciously and proactively work at becoming a better 'version' of us, there's also a danger that in the process, we can become overly-analytical, over-thinking, self-obsessed, materialistic perfectionists. And that ain't healthy or productive. More enlightened writers and teachers advocate a more selfless, philanthropic and loving approach to personal transformation. More spiritual perhaps. And no, this is not some feel-good, fluffy, mumbo-jumbo; it's actually a powerful and relevant message because we're all much more than a mind, a body and a bank account. And yes, it's still okay to become wildly successful in a commercial sense (if that's one of your goals), as long as what you own (your assets) and what you do (your career), doesn't become your identity (who you are). 2. It can be expensive. No shit Sherlock. Some personal development resources are very expensive which is not to say that they are not necessarily good value, but we must be wise and discerning about how and where we invest our time, energy and hard-earned. The four thousand dollar program may not be four times better than the one thousand dollar program. May not even be as good. When you do invest, make sure you maximise that investment by consistently acting on what you learn. BTW, sometimes a twenty dollar book will prove to be more transformational than the squillion dollar program. And then there's those free websites.... 3. Guru worship. Don't join a cult. Some people actually deify their favourite teachers and authors and that's unhealthy for everyone; the teacher and the student. In doing this, the students actually empower the teacher and disempower themselves. Listen to and learn from others, but have your own thoughts, ideas and values, be your own person and make your own choices. It's great to value and respect a teacher (if he or she has earned that respect) but don't become a self-help parrot or a clone of someone else. Be you. In terms of my teaching, I always suggest that people read what I write, consider it, see if it resonates for them, and if it does, apply it. If it doesn't, ignore it. Simple. If you like my site and consider it to be a valuable resource, tell people about it. If not, don't. For you, I'm a resource (if you choose), not an answer. You're the answer. And occasionally, the problem. The Last Bit... Like most of you, I'm both a teacher and a student (we're all teachers on some level). In fact if I had to label myself, I'd say I'm more of a student. And like you, I'm still trying to figure it all out. Always will be. As much as I teach, I spend even more time learning. I am constantly asking, seeking, listening and exploring. Of what there is to know, I know almost nothing. That's both humbling and incredibly exciting. One crucial lesson I have learned over the last few years is the importance of giving; selfless-help as opposed to self-help. Time and time again I have witnessed the transformational power of no-strings-attached kindness, love and generosity; people who have transformed their own lives by investing into the lives of others. Food for thought. Enjoy your day and be the change.