Blaming: We Don't Have To Do It

One of the things that I love about writing is that occasionally as you are writing about a character, you stumble upon an insight that applies not only to the character, but to yourself and to others, as well.

This happened recently when I was writing a conversation between two characters. I won’t go into a lot of detail because that’s another story. I just want to share this snippet with you but first, a word of caution. The word “God” is used in this conversation, but this is not a sermon or an attempt to convert:

“I’m not even sure I believe in God anymore.”

“Of course you do.”

“How can you say that? You don’t even know me….”

“You believe in God because you need someone to blame.”

Ah ha! There it is: “because you need someone to blame.”

In 1943, Abraham Maslow proposed a theory known as Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow’s “Needs” begin with the most basic – breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis (a state of balance), and execretion. You can’t get more basic than that. Everybody needs those things.

From there, the needs become more individual: safety, love/belonging, esteem, self-actualization. Everyone needs these things,too, but often need them in different ways or find different ways of achieving them.

You will notice, perhaps, that nowhere in this hierarchy of needs is blame listed. Yet for many of us, blame has become such an important part of our lives that it consumes us.

The first character in the conversation above is what is known as a situational atheist – a believe
whose faith has been so undermined by circumstances (in my story, a cheating spouse, the death of a grandchild, and a period of financial insecurity) that she thinks she no longer believes in God..

There are times in all our lives when we feel overwhelmed by circumstances. That second level of needs, the need for safety, is seriously threatened. Often, our first response to that threat is to blame.

We may blame God or the government or the President or the economy or our spouse or our children or…. Well, the list of those we can blame seems endless. But I suspect that often we blame ourselves even though we may no more deserve the blame than anyone or anything else on that long list.

Attaching blame seems to be such a natural part of our human response that one might wonder why Maslow didn’t include it in his hierarchy. But think about it. Think about the fact that he didn’t include it.

Could it be possible that we don’t really need to blame anyone? Could it be possible that we don’t really need to blame ourselves?

Perhaps our energies would be better employed in finding ways to survive the threat or overcome the circumstances. Blame is so often a knee-jerk, irrational response that it may not be possible to avoid blaming altogether but perhaps we can prevent it from taking over our lives.

The old injunction to count to ten before expressing anger might apply equally well to attaching blame.

Count to ten. Think about it. Is it going to add anything to your life or to your ability to pursue your real needs? If the answer is no, then dismiss the impulse to blame and get on with your life.

Sounds easy enough, huh? But how do you do it?

Breathing is a good start. Then find some way to restore your sense of security, deepen your impulse to love and your sense of belonging, value yourself and others, and be the best “you” you can be.