On Truth and Lies

ON TRUTH AND RELATIONSHIPS:
The big game of relationships is life. The relationship between ozone and skin cancer, between kindness and wisdom, between a mother and a son, between two lovers, between mass its speed and its gravitational balance. Everything in this universe is based on relationships- relation, ratio, reason, and intelligence: this is what the Greeks said. They were the ones to see in the "number" the noblest expression of the reason for things to be its "reason or relation". Thus, the reason for us being, is the big game's span: a span of relationships. But in this game of what we are, truth and lies weave inevitably, like light and shade to create the scenery in which both of them are needed. I could say that the truth is our nature and the lies are our second nature. Thereby, in this game of light and shade, so well described by Eric Berne, in "The Games that People Play"; the complex emotional games which build the subjectivity of what we believe we are and the perception which others have of our behaviors.

QUESTIONS, ANSWERS and FREEDOM:
A first question might be, when did you lie for the first time? Maybe we lost Paradise, not because we ate from the forbidden fruit, but because we lied afterwards. Wouldn't God have softened towards his children if they had answered: "Yes Sir, we ate from the tree of wisdom because we wanted to be like you?" because, doesn't a child want to be like his dad? This fear of exposing the truth is very old, as is the putting on of false appearances.

The chameleon and the praying mantis lie naturally, to their victims saying, " I am a branch." The need to survive makes us put on these appearances- only sometimes, many times, that heavy cover ends up trapping us - it chokes us, it overwhelms us and it makes us experience depression, loneliness and the absurd. Therefore, there is need for truth because truth has a liberating force, it enlightens and lighten us. There are powerful emotional reasons in us; they can be as deep as the most primitive brain structures. Some of them are expressed as negative feelings which make us suffer: guilt, envy, jealousy, desire, anger, fear: others make us feel wonderfully well: love, trust, friendship, the feeling of freedom and creativity. If the truth is a position of intellectual honesty, it is also a feeling of strong and corporal authenticity: The feeling of knowing and recognizing " I am this one that I am," this acceptance of what we are makes things much easier.

That "moment of truth", generally, comes with a strong feeling of freedom. We aren't more free because we can come and go from North or South, but because we can know, recognize and tell what we are, (including our limits, of course), and the motivation for our movements. Getting to know what we are is one of the best things in our lives. Whoever achieves adequate maturity will reach that acknowledgement and will enjoy not just him/herself, but also the generous gift of friendship.

In the overcrowded societies of the 20th century, one of the biggest problems has been loneliness: that is, the restriction in interpersonal communication, the no-relationship, or the fraudulent superficial relationship as a common way of coexisting; and one of its most common consequences: depression. There have also been characteristic reactions to this: the solidarity revolutions, the sects, the religious revival and expansion, including fundamentalists, the development of numerous ways of psychotherapy, the hippie and new age movement, the search for a new humanism, etc.

ON HUMAN GROWTH
A human being needs to acknowledge him/herself and communicate in a deep and real way for his/her growth: that is sharing friendship, having relationships "from the heart". Often clients tell me in my consultations that, before talking with a therapist, they would prefer talking to a friend. And here's the problem: superficial friendship is very common. The heart to heart friendship, unfortunately, is a rare gift. Perhaps it could be said that the object of the therapy is to gain the freedom to have real friends. At some point in the therapy, either individually or in group, the individual, psychologically lays him/herself bare.

S/he assumes and accepts him/herself, and from that " acknowledgement of what s/he is ", communicates with the others. Authentic relationships and the gift of friendship are born from this ability. Therefore, growing as a human being is paradoxically, coming closer to being the child we were. Recapturing that ability to play with the truth and assuming, even, the conscious lies which we choose to make valid; to know that, if you are authentic, you will share deep affinities with some and disagreements with others. The game of the truth puts us in front of the other’s mirror and it challenges us to be ourselves, just more conscious.

TRUTH, HUMOUR AND HEALTH
When an animal evolved enough to laugh at itself, mankind appeared. Is this true or false? Whatever we believe, a good sense of humor is essential for a healthy digestion. The truth without humor can be tragic and hard to digest. Health is not just the absence of illness, but a state of physical, psychological and social wellbeing. Feeling well with oneself and with life, is a symptom of health. But feeling oneself is knowing oneself. Experiencing the acknowledgement of: "this is me". We look at ourselves in the bathroom mirror when we brush our teeth; in the mental mirror of conscious meditation; in the live mirror of other people’s gaze. We see ourselves there and we identify with ourselves. But, in which mood do I know myself? Conceivably what I’m seeing of myself I don’t like at all: it makes me feel bad, I would prefer having another physical or moral picture, and I'm finding that I don’t accept "this that I see".

In the non-acceptance state, humor turns into gloom, depression and very probably into defensiveness. Like the chubby girl who doesn’t accept herself because the picture she identifies with success and social acceptance is that of a skinny top model, so she gets depressed and obsessed with food, and ends up living in a distressing bad mood. Good mood and acceptance are linked: like that hilarious fat lady who says "this is me, and I enjoy and relish myself as natural and healthy." Self-acceptance reflects very well the different levels of acceptance we experienced in our childhood. A low acceptance environment makes us hide in the closet, or behind a picture of a false and painstakingly manipulated ego. As true beings and behind our personal lies, we are all part of this truth and lies web, of reality and image.

If you propose to play the game of truth with our book, you are going to find the questions hard to deal with, but always within a clearly humorous framework. It is an invitation to acceptance and laughter. Can't we laugh at the most serious part of ourselves? Perhaps you would like to review the questions on your own and then take the risk at playing with others. If you find a group of friends who reasonably accept you, as you are, able to laugh at you, with you, the game will have been worthwhile. And if you don't find one: don't take for granted that a group like that doesn't exist, it's just that you haven't looked in the right direction.

Francisco Bontempi, MD.
Tegueste, Tenerife, Spain nnnn