Boundaries as Expression of Love

We’ve all heard that you can’t really love another until you love yourself – and that you can’t truly love yourself until you love others. Rather than being contradictory, both reflect the truth in the spiritual adage, “As within, so without.”

Love opens us to something greater than ego. Ego tries to control, to acquire, to find a sense of safety in manipulating situations to its advantage. Love knows it is ete
al, an expression of the universal energy that fuels all life. Love expresses truth that seeks to cooperate and co-create rather than control or manipulate. Where love is, fear dissipates. I can love another because I love myself; I can love myself because I love another. Love begets love.

When we desire to be in healthy, loving relationships, whether with an intimate partner, family member, or friend, we must interact from our true self – which includes knowing and honoring our boundaries. In my 20+ years of counseling, this issue remains a big problem for many. What surprises some is that boundaries come from love and are an expression of truth – of how one truly feels and believes, followed by compassionate action to honor that truth.

Women in particular, with thousands of years of social programming to be “nice” at all costs, have found it difficult to know their truth, or to express it. Yet almost everyone can feel when boundaries are violated – it’s that sinking feeling in the stomach, or the nagging thought that something isn’t right, or the little voice inside that says, “I don’t want to do this but I will because I should.”

Let the word ‘should’ be an alarm – it means you are making a judgment, rather than knowing what you truly want and acting on that knowing. Judgment invariably comes from fear. Action taken in fear does not serve love, no matter how “nice” it seems. It isn’t loving to lie. Honoring truth, with kindness, always serves love.

Some of us no longer hear the little voice inside, having dismissed our truth for too long. Yet the uneasy feeling remains. Violating your truth is usually accompanied by a sense of helplessness, even hopelessness, which little can ease except rediscovering and then living what is true for you. That sometimes requires great love, of self and others.

As a graphic example, if my partner hits me and I decline to care for myself by staying in that situation, I’m not loving me, not respecting my own boundaries. I can expect that neither will others. I’m also not being loving toward my partner.

By staying and violating my own boundaries, I’m teaching that violence is acceptable, that unacceptable behavior is actually OK, and doing my partner a grave disservice by teaching them this lie. Only by my staying can they continue to believe it is all right by me – which allows them to think that violence could indeed be acceptable.

When we know and kindly express clear boundaries, others typically treat us in ways we enjoy. When we don’t, they often treat us as we treat ourselves – with disrespect for who we truly are. As within, so without – a spiritual understanding made evident through the ability to love self and others enough to know and compassionately express inner truth – that is, to have good boundaries. May yours serve you well.

If you’d like help with your boundaries, or to learn about WOW, contact Louisa Dyer at www.louisadyer.com or www.louisadyer.net, or louisadyer@charter.net, or by calling 828-658-1280.