Can a Divorce Party Be Therapeutic?

When I first starting hearing about the increasing popularity of divorce parties, the first word that popped into my head was "tasteless." I had always thought of divorce parties as something that only the bitterest of women would consider. I also had concerns about whether these parties downplayed the serious nature of divorce and its impact on families. As I began collecting divorce party stories for my research, many of the women who threw these parties also used a word beginning with "t" to describe them. The word that they used was "therapeutic" rather than "tasteless" so I started categorizing the most common reasons that women shared for having a divorce party. I quickly discovered that just as divorces can be amicable, ugly, or somewhere in between, divorce parties also fall into similar categories. Here are the most typical scenarios based on the stories that were shared with me. The Hooray It’s Over Party- The wildest divorce party stories that I received fell into this category. These parties were a true celebration of the marriage being over and the divorce being final. I even received videos of wedding dresses being set ablaze in back yards and women cutting phallus shaped cakes into very tiny pieces. It’s no great surprise that these parties stemmed from ugly divorces. At first glance I thought that this type of divorce party was very offensive because of their celebratory nature, but the back-stories behind these parties brought them into perspective. I understood why a woman would gleeful stuff her marriage license into the garbage disposal after learning that her ex fought to get the wedding china only to send it back to her smashed into mere fragments. The women who threw these parties still had a lot of anger about their divorce, and they described a night of ranting about their ex as cathartic. If that’s what it takes to get rid of your anger, then I do think that it’s healthier than just hanging onto your rage without any outlet for it. The Sisterhood Party- By far these were the most common types of divorce parties that women told me about. The focus of these parties was to let the newly divorced woman know that she is not alone. There was still the occasional destruction of the marriage certificate or burial of the wedding ring, but these seemed to be gestures of providing closure with a focus on moving forward rather than releasing anger. It’s important for women to know that they have a support system after their lives have changed so drastically. The activities at these parties were more mild, and involved things like party games that focused on all the things that the newly divorced woman could do now that her ex was out of the picture. At first I thought that they were being rather critical of married life, until I read a story from a woman who was worried about spending every other weekend without her kids. I began to appreciate how much she needed some bright spots to look forward to so that this part of her life could be a new beginning rather than just an ending. The Solidarity Party- Unfortunately, these were the least common party types that women shared with me, but they were by far my favorite stories. These parties were attended by both the ex-wife and her ex-husband as well as their respective families and friends. The purpose here was to show everyone that they were going to remain on friendly terms and that friends and family didn’t need to choose whether they were going to ally themselves with him or with her. All of these parties were thrown by couples who had children. Their goal was for the kids to feel that their relationship with their parents would remain the same even though mom and dad were no longer living together. One couple even wrote “divorce vows” where they promised that they would not speak badly about their ex or make major parenting decisions without consulting their ex. I couldn't help but admire how these parents looked beyond their own feelings and focused on making the divorce as smooth as possible for their children. After having so much information about divorce parties shared with me, I no longer wrinkle my nose when I hear that a woman is having a divorce party. I can’t help but prefer to hear about ones that are amicable or supportive, but I no longer think any less of the women that feel the need to throw a divorce party that is an out and out celebration. As long as women find these parties helpful for moving forward after divorce, then I can’t fault them for choosing the type of divorce party therapy that their particular type of divorce has inspired them to throw.