Enhancing Relationships- Tools to Live Creatively

How can we improve communication and understanding in our romantic relationships ? John Gray says in his book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" that men and women have very different forms of problemnsolving, thinking and listening. Are we from different planets. If so, can this gap be bridged so we can hear and be heard?

Let's look at how these masculine and feminine differences come out in daily life. First of all, I want to say that a man does not have to be masculine, or a woman feminine. One common example in everyday life that these two forms of perceiving exhibit themselves is in planning an event. For masculine consciousness, deliberation, planning, forethought and purpose are very important values. In contrast, for feminine consciousness being present to the moment and acting spontaneously is the way to proceed. Tensions can come up if one person is more of a "gonwith the flow" type while the other person sides with will, pupose and planning. Since opposites both attract and repel we often can admire the other person as well as at other times find them annoying. Self-control can seem at one time courageous and strong. At another time, it can seem rigid and inflexibile. Likewise, a spontaneous person can seem creative and alive in one light. However, at other times he/she can seem chaotic, undisciplined and an "air head".

PARENTING

I worked with Joe and Marcia last month in marital therapy around an interesting issue: There were a number of disagreements about disciplining their son Jason. Jason had lied and was grounded for a week as his punishmentnwhich both parents initially agreed upon. After two days, Marcia felt a lot of pain watching Jason sit in his room while his friends were playing basketball a few doors down. She let him slip out for an hour before his father returned home. For feminine consciousness, there is a strong sense of empathy and an ability to identify with another person's suffering. Joe found out about Jason going outside and felt angry and betrayed. He felt that Jason would never learn the consequences of his action and become responsible if he was "babied". Joe also felt upset because hewas the "heavy" and "bad guy" now.

This type of scenario is common and maybe why traditionally mothers were associated with "unconditional love" and fathers with "conditional love". Unconditional love means that I love you WHATEVER you do becausenof who you are. Conditional love means I love you for your goals, accomplishments, victories, principles, character and effort.

Sometimes teenagers will say that they respect their father's love for being judgmental. Yet, they may prefer receiving the nurturance and unconditional care from their mother. In this couple, they were able to see each had to change a bit. Marcia had to work on keeping her resolve and thinking about how her sympathy for Jason could let her be taken advantage of by him. Joe realized that he needed to have more sympathy and that Jason noticed that now. By working together and communicating with each other they were able to consider each others point of view and not push each other into extreme positions. (An example of an extreme position is when the father punishes the son, but the mother slips him a $10 bill to buy something for himself). Something that really helps in these situations is to stay open, not dig in your heels, consider that your spouse feels this is the best solution and above all keep a sense of humor about things.

Breaking old patterns

Whether it's overeating or drinking , another area where tensions occur in relationships is where one person wants the other person to discipline themselves:" Why do you have to drink on weekends?" " Why do you have to have a second desert?" One person (it could be a man or a woman) becomes the judge or conscience and the other is seen as weak, indulgent or lazy. Sometimes people get extreme in these interactions. A lot of cartoons and comics picture couples this way. The stereotypical picture is one of the man reading the newspaper at breakfast while hisnwife tries to speak with him. She talks more to get his attention and sometimes will become more emotional to try to reach him. Because she is more emotional, he'll bury his head further in the paper, leading to a negative interaction. It's good to catch these reactions so thatnthey can be talked about and resolved. This works well at resolving frustration, anger, hurt and other dark feelings. If both people want to change and are sick of the pattern then trust and new habits can be created.

Healthy Communicatio

In summary, always try to catch and discuss the patterns that emerge rather than let anger or bitte
ess build up. Don't accuse your partner of something. Give your own impression, but listen and hear him/her out. It's easy to get into accusations and fault finding, but this is ultimately unproductive. By practicing a new way of conversingnhealthier routines can grow. This leads to more openness, humor and genuine care. The result is that each person feels understood and appreciated. Sometimes, it's good to know when to "blow the whistle" if a discussion gets too heated. It's good to take a walk and talk later if it just seems to be spinning in circles. Making an effort is always an inspiration to the other person. It's easy to get stubbornnand wait for the other person to put forth an effort, but making the first move will enrich you relationship and pay you back enormously.