Why it's Impossible to "Forgive and Forget" in Relationships

In every relationship you're involved in, It's inevitable that something will happen in the relationship that will cause you to be upset with the other person or the other person will be upset with you. Now, we've all heard the expressio
"forgive and forget" but we believe that "forgive and forget" doesn't serve you. We believe that in most cases, you really don't forget and here's why.

Have you ever had the feeling that the harder you try to "forget" something, the more you end up focusing on it.

If someone says to you, "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue," no matter how hard you try, you probably can't stop visualizing or thinking about the color blue.

The same thing happens when you try to "forget" a negative situation that has an emotional charge to it. No matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to do it.

We believe that instead of forgiving and forgetting, you have to forgive and let go.

Many people write to us wanting to know how they can forgive when they have been wronged--a spouse cheated on them; they've been abused in one way or another; or maybe their feelings have been hurt and they don't feel loved or valued.

What we have found is that the process of healing a relationship requires more than forgiveness. You must also let go.

But let go of what?

In almost all cases when you are having a difficult time forgiving someone, you are holding on to an attachment of some kind or another. The attachments most commonly manifest themselves in the need to be justified, the need to be honored, the need to be right, the need to be vindicated, the desire for revenge, and the inability to move past fear.

So when you are holding onto an attachment, what you are actually doing is holding onto a position which is serving you in some way but it is not moving you forward in healing the relationship.

Eckhart Tolle in "The Power of Now" talks about how to let go of negativity and we think that the same holds true for letting go of attachments--Tolle's response was "By dropping it. How do you drop a piece of hot coal that you are holding in your hand? How do you drop some heavy and useless baggage that you are carrying? By recognizing that you don't want to suffer the pain or carry the burden anymore and then letting go of it."

Just decide to do it.

Recently Susie and her sister moved their mother from her home of 50 years to an assisted living Alzheimer's facility. Their mother had and continues to have anger, hurt, and resentment toward her daughters and her new situation. nn>From the time of taking her car away from her, Susie and her sister have been practicing letting go of her anger, while allowing her to feel her feelings. They continually practice forgiving the words of anger that are directed toward them and just send her love.

Susie has been practicing a "Thirty-Nine Day Prayer of Forgiveness" given to her by Shaman Connie Parkinson to help with this situation with her mother. She's used it before to help heal a broken relationship.

Here it is--along with an explanation--and we urge you to try it. It really works!

"Every day, for 39 days, all alone and in private, you say the following: nn(Name), I thank you for all you have done to me and those I love. I ask your forgiveness for all I have done to you. Let us begin a new relationship. nn(Your own name), I love you. You are an exceptionally wonderful and beautiful person and I approve of you.

This prayer is extremely simple, It's extremely hard, it's extremely effective. By thanking the one who has injured you, you are putting yourself a little bit in that person's place, and you are recognizing that everyone is driven by impulses we are not to know, and that everything that happens to you is for your growth and your good."

By asking forgiveness for yourself, you are recognizing that you had a part in the relationship. By telling yourself that you love and approve of you, you are renewing strength in the one human being in your life who can truly help you-- yourself.

The 3 is for the triune spiritual effect of will, action, and manifestation. The 9 brings an ending to your grief and anger and resentment against the person. The prayer itself opens you to a new understanding of both yourself and the one who injured you. The only thing you are trying to change is yourself and your emotions. As for the relationship, wait and see. You could be surprised how you'll feel toward this person at the end of 39 days."