Dealing with Shades of Black

Tragedy comes unannounced. At any given moment, or turn in our lives, we may face upheaval, be that a family tragedy, a distressing piece of information, a health scare, or any situation that may lead one to feel a sense of loss and despair.nn Nobody is immune to those twists that life may take at the most inopportune moments. For how can any moment ever be opportune for a tragedy to strike? These realities are unwelcome, but they exist nonetheless in each of our lives at some point or another. There is no escaping that truth. As the Buddhists say; The human condition is that of suffering. Having resigned to the idea that suffering is an innate part of existence, the Buddhist philosophy begins with accepting what is for most of us, (to borrow Al Gore’s term,) ‘an inconvenient truth.’ Perhaps that is one of the reasons why they are the most peaceful of all traditions.nn No one bought their way out of death, or escaped terminal disease if they were destined to suffer it. The rich and the poor alike suffer pain, loss and tragedy. Events that will remind us that we are in fact fragile in form, but can take these experiences and learn to be invincible in spirit.nn In moments of loss and despair, we often respond by distracting ourselves from our sense of loss, by feeling angry or directing our attention to matters on the periphery of the loss itself. This is natural for most of us to do. The need to protect ourselves from suffering is a basic human instinct, hence the fight or flight mechanism embedded in our sympathetic nervous system. But conscious shutting out of emotions, only leads to deeper anguish finding its way into our lives, for a prolonged period of time. Rendering us bitter, unhappy and unfulfilled as we continue to age through life.nn Though difficult to do, yet the only way out of repeating the cycle of pain and living in the hollowed embrace of loss for an unknowable period of time is to face it. And by facing it, I do not mean, asserting a cloak of strength over an aching heart. Because that again, is the beginning of another charade to convince ourselves that we are untouched by the tragedy.nn Dealing with loss means accepting loss. Knowing and tenderly acknowledging the fact that our life has changed, and shall never be the same in some form or another, is a start. But it is this very resignation to the truth that is the hardest for us humans to do, for we are infinitely convinced that we are always in control. Hence, we react to disturbing news with utter shock, as though grasping to understand where exactly did we lose control of the situation in the midst of living this life? That is why, it is true what they say, we cannot necessarily control the events in our lives, but we can surely work on ourselves to control our reactions to those events. So that we allow ourselves to handle the impact at less of a cost to ourselves, over time.nn Is it any wonder that those who are labeled ‘personality A’ types are more prone to heart disease than others? The need to always be in control is met with the rude awakening of a cardiac condition, reminding one, albeit cruelly; how truly not in control we really are.nn Learning to accept a tragedy and a loss inevitably leads to dwelling in prolonged periods of sadness. This is natural. We must allow ourselves to be human, to let ourselves react to loss with sadness. And know, that we have a right to feel sad, it is a natural human reaction. As opposed to popping pills that supposedly make us feel ‘better’ or ‘lighter’ though we may be dying inside.nn Wise people say, adversity teaches far more than happiness does. In allowing ourselves to really ‘feel’ our sense of loss, and surrender without resistance to that gnawing emptiness, painful as it might be, helps us grow in ways far beyond our imagination. It helps us identify our own strengths, and realize that if we can just be brave enough to let go and allow ourselves to be human, and let the flood of whatever comes up wash over us, then we can rise from these ashes too.nn There are no quick fixes to suffering deaths and losses. Pain is as much a part of life as pleasure is. The road to recovery is cratered with suffering. It is arduous and challenging. But life cannot be just the bright hues of the rainbow. How would we appreciate the rainbow if it were not for the gray and the black?