The NEW Unabridged Claude Diamond Success Dictionary

Let's face it folks, we all want basically the same things in life health, happiness, enough money to buy a Slurpy(TM) and a New Lincoln Town car every year. The world, however, is getting to be a complicated place to get to all this success. So I am writing an unabridged Claude Diamond Success Dictionary(C) to clarify & simplify things!
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A Hot Coal Walking Party: One of the smartest money making gimmicks ever invented and also one of the dumbest things ever thought of to make you think that you can accomplish anything by burning yourself. One lady at my last SMU class suggested that walking on burning coals was the way to overcome obstacles. She couldn't see that spending $600.00 could have been saved by just going to Ace Hardware and getting a bag of barbecue briquettes ($5.95) and some starter fluid ($3.49). Bungie Jumping: An end cousin to the Hot Coal Walking Party. The same people who brought you the hot foot (see above) decided that if they couldn't get all your money and burn you one way they would find another! This includes jumping off cliffs with a rubber band around your ankle, swinging down trees and mountain climbing. I expect swimming with piranhas and dating lawyers to be the next challenges. Buff: This used to mean really naked, but now it means that you are a well tuned individual. I guess now they will say you need an oil change whenever you go to the bathroom! Chat Room: A place to exhaust your typing ability while learning absolutely nothing you didn't know before. Chai Tea: A really bad tea drink you buy at a coffeehouse after you leave your coach group meeting. Creative Real Estate: The ability to sell a bridge in Brooklyn that you never owned with the $20.00 you borrowed from Uncle Carlton and use creative financing. You then make a tape set on that one deal and live happily ever after. (See John T. gReed National Perspirer interview at www.Claudediamond.com for more info). E-mail: A new state of the art method of totally avoiding commitment and human contact while remaining even more anonymous than a fax. Financial Freedom: The ability to go to bed at night and not think about how the heck I am going to pay my cable bill. To be able to buy yourself something without even thinking about it. To be able to take your kids to a different Chucky Cheese pizza place every week. (But who would want to?) To be able to write a hefty check and mail it anonymously to a family you see on TV who just lost their home (or John T. gReed). To be able to speak your mind without worrying about the financial consequences. Guru: Someone who speaks in a public forum about wealth and success while wearing a suit with unmatching pants, ketchup on the collar, two different colored socks, K-mart penny loafers and has parked his used Yugo at the hotel across the street. Independence: To be who you want to be when you want! Mentor: Why Claude, of course! Hey, it's my newsletter! Network Marketing: A creative home business opportunity where you learn to sell every relative and friend you used to have shampoo and vitamins for 5 times the price they would pay at Walmart(TM). Psycho Babble: These are phrases used to confuse and annoy because no one really knows what they mean. They include 'I need to find my center and reclaim the child within', 'my crystal is from the planet zongo', 'my guru is more enlightened than your Guru', etc. Schmuck: A Yiddish/NYC term of endearment (at least that's what lovely CJ keeps telling me). Here's an example on how to use this handy motivating word. The next time the folks with the white shirts & ties ring your doorbell during dinner with the latest copy of the bay-watchtower while you are watching Regis and they want to convert you to the church of the holy green pickle just say the following, " Hi Schmucks"! Self Esteem: A hard, but WONDERFUL place to reach. A place in your mind and body where you just do what you feel is the right thing to do without worrying about what someone else thinks. Success: Success means different things to different people at different times. It's what's important to you!
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Claude on Gurus: Why do so many Gurus find it necessary to travel 46 weeks a year if they're Successful? The best part of Success is being able to sleep in your own bed at night, enjoy life with your family and have an occasional glass of French champagne. Sleeping in strange Holiday Inns & eating airline peanuts is not Success. Claude on A.D.D.: Attention Deficit Disorder is a name assigned to your kids by their doctor, teacher and relatives because they can't sit still. We used to call it "ants in the pants", but today it's a way to sell Ritalin and therapy and let these industries make $$$. Yes, Yes I know SOME kids really have A.D.D., but it seems strange that ove
ight millions of rugrats have come down with this disorder. Always follow the money Folks. nnn