Don't Be So Sensitive!

"Don't be so sensitive!" Has anyone ever said that to you? Hopefully not when you were rendered especially vulnerable by a condition like cancer. Hopefully, not at all. Someone recently directed me to thicken my skin after I expressed feeling upset at a teasing, sarcastic remark. Interestingly, it happened the day I was to attend a seminar sponsored by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, on “The Science of a Meaningful Life: compassion, mindfulness, and well-being.” The morning’s exchange brought many questions to mind, not only about compassion, but also sensitivity, humor, when it’s okay to “cross the line,” and where that line resides (and how it can move so quickly). I wondered if I would get answers to those questions. But back to “Don’t be so sensitive!” Although those words can add insult to injury, exacerbating feelings already rendered raw, most people don’t say them to make you wince. They say them because they want you to know they had no intention of hurting you; they’re reacting defensively to your taking offense at their choice of words; they want you to appreciate the humor in their remark. Usually, though, they just don’t get it, because they do not take offense easily, letting teasing remarks roll off like water from a duck. In a group setting, some people make jokes at another’s expense to get attention or a laugh. That has never sat well with me, especially since sarcasm cuts a cruel swath and, personally, I have always been on the defensive because of early threats of enemy attacks. Like many with older siblings who teased, pinched, or hit us on the head with a baseball bat (okay, that wasn’t intentional, but still…), I consequently became more tender-skinned instead of growing a thicker shell. I’ve also been sensitized by all the research I’ve conducted in the area of my own expertise. I realize that sometimes I do overreact to words uttered in jest, and interestingly, the seminar addressed our culture’s lack of jokers and jesters, archetypical characters who, in societies without freedom of speech, could speak frankly on controversial issues in a way others could not. But even that doesn’t address interpersonal interactions such as the one that happened that morning. In July, I will interview Dacher Keltner, psychology professor, founder of the Greater Good Science Center, and author of the new book, Born to Be Good: The science of a meaningful life, who led the seminar and has not only a razorsharp intellect but a sense of humor as great as a jester’s, minus the fool aspect. I’ll ask him about the role of kindness and compassion in teasing. [He does address teasing in his book, which I look forward to reading.] Would Jesus or Mother Teresa tease? Does the Dalai Lama tease? What’s the kinder way to say, “Don’t be so sensitive”? I look forward to sharing that, and the most effective way to respond if you feel hurt by teasing or sarcastic remarks. In the meantime, if you have cancer and someone tells you not to be so sensitive, go ahead and kick ‘em in the shins. I’m jesting, of course. Or am I? Always hope,rnLorirnAuthor • Essayist • Producerrnwww.LoriHope.comrnLet's Tweet together:rnhttp://www.twitter.com/lorihopern--rnThis post originally appeared on Hope's CarePages blog, "what helps. what hurts. what heals."