Finances In Marriage

Dear Merrily,

My husband and I never discuss our finances nor do we have or create a budget. We both overspend what we make each month. I have tried to talk to him, to ask him to work with me around this issue. I have been unable to get through to him that this is threatening our retirement –it is as if he doesn’t care. At times, I feel like the only way to stop this is to divorce him. Otherwise, I’ll be left penniless.
Please help me

Dear Please,

When one person in a marriage says, ‘I have tried to get through to him’, the other person could say exactly the same thing. If one of you is not being heard, neither is the other. If this is a chronic pattern playing in the marriage, the only way to derail this cycle is for one person to get off that train and begin listening. This would require removing permanent barriers. After inviting his thoughts (which he may not share the first time you ask), you would sit down, face him, relax, take in his words without judgment, and set aside your normal response – a possible counter position or defense. If you do your listening job well, he may surprise you by making room for your position even though you refrained from stating it during his talking time.

This takes courage, patience, and repetition. You have to really want to know his thoughts.

Do financial fun-things together: watch CNBC, check your investments online, watch Ric Edelman, read financial newsletters.

In marriage, finances are a rocky place. These waters are full of murky things like fear and distrust, and ‘this is mine’ and ‘what is your contribution?’ A firm partnership here opens possibilities to strengthen other areas of marriage.

As to your valid fears of retirement and being penniless, look to your own responsibility for creating your future. Have a discussion with yourself about your spending and financial goals. If you need insurance, get it. If you need investments, invest. If you need to save, save. If you were divorced, you would have to do these things. Do them now. Create a solid place for yourself. In the final countdown we are each responsible for ourselves and cannot look to another person to take care of us.

Merrily
An Intentional Life Facilitator
Woodbridge, VA naskmerrily@yahoo.comnn