Why Do We Have Mars-Venus Communication, And Why Is Mars More Powerful?nnnI’m making this easy: The reason we have Mars-Venus communication has everything to do with nurture—it’s based on societal pressures—economic, psychological, and cultural pressures. This is Good News because it means our style of communication is not genetically inherited. In other words, it can be changed—easily changed. I say let’s go for it! It’s the main reason working women do not have the same power as men. nnPsychologist and educator Virginia Valian did an excellent job of reviewing research and came to the conclusion that these pressures are responsible for the following results: nn1. Women internalize failure more than men. (Yeah, you know that’s true.)n2. Women are less influential than men in a group decision. (Seen it.) n3. Attractiveness has a negative impact on the perception of a woman’s competence and a positive impact on the perception of a man’s competence. (I’m having a hard time being quiet here!)n4. Both men and women elicit negative responses when they are assertive or try to solve a problem but women are judged more negatively than men. (Step up to the plate and solve the problem. If there’s grumbling, don’t let it bother you.) n5. Women’s successes are more likely to be attributed to luck than to skill; men’s successes are more likely to be attributed to skill than to luck. (I vow I will replace “I was lucky” with “It was fortunate that I …”) n6. Women expect to receive fewer benefits from their work than men do. (Change this! Don’t be satisfied with the 20% less pay you receive.) n7. Women often overestimate the difficulty of a task: men often underestimate the difficulty of a task. (I guess we’d say the guys are not being realistic.)n8. Women, when they talk, are listened to less than men by both men and women. (Not fair. Not fair. We’re going to work on this one today.)nnWe can start on our journey of change by becoming aware when we’re internalizing failure. Was it due to outside circumstances or other people? Hey, even if it wasn’t, do what the guys do, place the blame somewhere else. No, that’s not right. We can do the right thing if it was our fault by learning from it. A brief, “My mistake. That factor was not considered.” is all that’s needed. No further lamenting is necessary! nnRegarding #8 above, believe the research that men and women are not going to pay as much attention to you in a conversation that they would to a man. OK, we’re starting with a handicap. What you need to do is take control of the conversation. As professor Sarah McGinty says: Use language from the center, not from the edge. For example:nnn· (If you direct others, rather than responding, you look confident and knowledgeable and you can take control. Use statements, not questions.) “I need you to …”n· (When things get too involved in minutia, you need to interrupt.) “Okay, but first let’s look at the major tasks. The most important of these is …”n· (To change to the direction you want.) “We can give you what you need, but first we need to discuss …”n· (Strengthen your statements with your expertise. No one else will do it for you.) When my team brought in the IBM contract, we did it by using …”n· (Don’t shy away from contradiction. If you disagree, say so by pointing at the idea, not the person. Look to the future—don’t search through the past to place blame.) “I don’t agree that we should continue to concentrate our advertising in newspapers. We want to expand our reach to bring in younger customers.” nnnIn other blog postings(
http://womensmedia.com/lunchtalk/) and podcasts, I talk about additional changes we can make in our communication style. You may be interested in listening to my brief podcast, Gender Stereotypes Hold Women Back, or in reading my blog post on Powerful Communication For Women. nnTip: nnIn relation to #5 above:nnWomen’s successes are more likely to be attributed to luck than to skill; men’s successes are more likely to be attributed to skill than to luck. As part of your change, I want you to vow you’ll replace “I was lucky” with something along the line of, “It was fortunate that I …” Fill the blank with one of your credits. Don’t give others the opportunity to apply the conventional wisdom that if women succeed, it was probably due to luck. Remember, we’re changing conventional wisdom here. Start the changing process. Speed it up—teach other women! nnFurther Reading:nnPodcast, by Nancy Clark, Nature vs. Nurture —men and Women: Different But EqualnnWebsite, WomensMedia,(
http://womensmedia.com/) by Victoria Simon and Holly Pedersen, Communicating with Men at Work —It's Important To Recognize The DifferencesnnBlog, Women's Lunch Talk,(
http://womensmedia.com/lunchtalk/) When You Want Men To Listen To You —You Have To Resort To Trickeryn