Good Parenting Means Having to Say "I'm Sorry"

I have friends who are terrified that they aren’t good parents. They had unhappy childhoods, and they desperately don’t want to repeat that cycle with their own kids. I met most of them (most, but not all, women) in a therapy or recovery setting, so they are people who have some issues, but are actively working on them. Even so, I don’t think such fears are a rare exception (although the expression of them may be). I think most people harbor doubts about their parenting abilities. Parenting is the most important job you can take on; it would only be human to have concerns. nThe truth is, most people have children before they’re able to provide properly for them, not just materially, but (even more importantly) emotionally. I am not talking about teen pregnancy, either; I’m talking about pretty much everyone. The reason is that nothing can really prepare you for parenthood. Even the most skilled, best-prepared people must still learn the overwhelming majority of parenting skills in on-the-job training. If there were a test available to determine readiness for parenting, most of us would fail miserably. nHaving a child has a way of throwing people—conscientious people, anyway—into a headlong collision with their own inadequacies. The strain of providing, worrying, teaching, and disciplining; of arguing, cajoling, and explaining; of setting boundaries and trying vainly to avoid power struggles; of sacrifice, exhaustion, and more exhaustion, can bring doubt to the most confident person. Getting into a power struggle with a five year old can be demoralizing. So can losing our temper, or taking out unrelated frustrations on our children. We may set our minds firmly to never let it happen again, but soon find ourselves in the exact situation, behaving in exactly the same embarrassing way: shouting at the child, bargaining with her, threatening her, begging her. If it happens in public, it’s mortifying. You want to crawl in a hole and die. Those books you read, those people who gave advice, all the therapy you’ve had; nothing prepared you for this. You feel like the worst person on the planet. You’re certain that you’re scarring your kids for life, and you don’t know what to do about it. nBut just because you do some things wrong doesn’t mean your kids are going to be scarred for life. Making mistakes is part of raising children. The on-the-job-training nature of it makes mistakes inevitable. So, you must completely abandon the belief that good parents don’t make mistakes. Good parents do make mistakes. A lot of them. So do bad parents. The crucial difference between good and bad parenting is not the absence of mistakes. It is how the parent handles the mistakes. nIt’s quite simple. So simple, in fact, that you may have doubts about its validity. But I assure you, it’s valid. Not only is it valid, it’s your get-out-of-jail-free card, and it can—and should— be used over and over again, as many times as necessary, as many times as you screw up. What is it? The apology. nA good parent acknowledges her shortcomings with her child. She is liberal and effusive with her apologies. She is specific and clear so the child isn’t confused as to what the issue is, asking her child if he understands and giving him an opportunity to ask questions and feel heard. She asks for forgiveness, and allows the child his process in giving it. She strives to create an atmosphere in which the child feels safe to express himself. She doesn’t always succeed, but the effort does not go unnoticed by her child.nA bad parent, to the contrary, will not acknowledge shortcomings and will not apologize to her child. She believes this shows weakness, or that apologizing to a child is not necessary, except perhaps in very extreme cases. When a parent doesn’t apologize to her child and attempt to make things right, the child is stuck with the confusing and scary emotions left over from the altercation. The child typically doesn’t feel safe to talk about his feelings in such an environment. Thus, he has no good outlet and either holds the feelings in, which poisons his poor little soul, or takes them out on other children, pets, or toys, spilling the poison out into the world. All when a simple “I’m sorry, honey,” would have abated the poison from ever forming at all. There are very few things this side of the horrendous (i.e., physical, verbal or sexual abuse) that can’t be fixed by an earnest apology. nNot owning mistakes with your children can have profound implications. An entire childhood void of parental apologies can result in adults riddled with self-esteem issues and lacking clarity on what constitutes a healthy relationship. It may take them years to overcome these obstacles, if they ever do; many don’t. The conscious effort required is more than many want to take on. Sadly, they’re likely to repeat the cycle with their own children, being shut off from the part of themselves that could have done it differently. Thus, what seems like a small and simple thing can make a tremendous difference not only in the life of a child, but also in all the lives touched by that child. nYet another aspect of this manifests itself in the dynamic between the adult child and his unapologetic parent. Such children often try to get the tenderness due them from their parents long into adulthood. They hope and struggle to please the parent with the underlying motivation (whether aware of it or not) of getting what they didn’t get as a child. It’s a sad, pointless effort. Whenever feelings between a parent and a child are strained, the effort to improve the relationship must come from the parent. Just as it must when the child is small. Because the parent is the source and reason for the problems, the parent must be the one to acknowledge and change her behavior. No amount of effort from the child, adult or otherwise, can improve the relationship. However, if the parent does realize her mistakes and sincerely wish for a better relationship with her child, change can occur, no matter how much time has passed. But again, it must originate with the parent.nI realize this is somewhat oversimplified; there’s more to open, healthy communication than apologizing. However, it's a fairly accurate measure of a person's level of emotional development. People who tend not to apologize also tend to be more shut down emotionally and therefore are less likely to be attuned to their children’s needs. Conversely, if parents make insincere, maudlin apologies that have more to do with their own guilt and self-pity than the child’s well being, that does the child little good, either. It’s definitely a complex issue. And yet, I believe the ability to earnestly own one’s mistakes and apologize for wrong done is a rather rare and remarkable trait, and absolutely essential for all healthy relationships. Being able to say “I’m sorry” and mean it may not be the be-all, end-all indicator of good parenting, but it is certainly a reliable gauge.