Ingredients of a Successful Relationship: An Interview with Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D.

In this excerpt of a full length interview with Dr. Paul Hannig, the basic elements for success in love relationships and working on your self will be explored. Utilize the suggestions in the article and you may find them helpful in all areas of your life.

R: What makes for a good, long term relationship in terms of marriage potential?

Dr. Hannig: My answer is mutual reciprocity of affection and confirmation. Mutual reciprocity is an on-going, back and forth process between two intimates; i.e., what is positively given is returned in kind to one another. Daily, ongoing reciprocal confirmation is necessary for the stability and long life of a relationship. If each partner can feel fully loved by the other, then you have the ingredients that cement a relationship.

R: What do you mean by confirmation?

Dr. Hannig: Partners confirm one another by sending verbal and non-verbal messages that declare value and worth as a human being; that he or she is cherished, treasured and truly loved and that the relationship is special and sacred to both. When those messages are reciprocal, con-firmation occurs.

R: What are some other important ingredients?

Dr. Hannig: Being emotionally open, honest and vulnerable with your partner is absolutely essential, especially in this day and age. If you feel comfortable enough to let down all of your defenses, allowing the deep core of you to be seen and responded to by your partner and your partner does the same, then you have an emotional relationship par excellence. Many couples don't do that. They play games with each other and they wear masks. Playing games and developing strategies to try to get your needs met does not work. It just causes arguments, misunderstandings and strife. Being vulnerable and open to one another is difficult for many people to do, especially where elements of the deep core self still remain unknown and unexplored. People are walking around today functioning only on two cylinders.

They are completely out of touch with themselves. Their real selves are hidden, maybe not out of choice, but rather out of compulsion. If you cannot see that unexpressed part of them, then you cannot relate to them fully. They will keep you at arms length and there is going to be distance in the relationship.

R: What about closeness?

Dr. Hannig: First, there has to be some kind of stability in the closeness function. Most relationships have a threshold as to how much distance the partners can tolerate between themselves. Exceeding that threshold, creates a tension in the relationship. Both partners will react in order to bring the relationship back into stability. These reactions may be very maladaptive and inappropriate, causing more strife in the relationship. Many couples lack the repertoire of behavior that would allow them to be honest and open enough to say to each other, "Right now I need closeness with you. I feel uncomfortable being distant". When people are not able to verbalize this kind of expression clearly, then they will opt to manipulation. Being manipulative in order to fulfill needs, creates alienation and distrust in the other partner and the relationship will ultimately be threatened.

R: It seems that not only is reciprocity and confirmation important in a relationship but so is mutual problem solving and commitment. Reciprocity is necessary in a relationship if it is to grow and mature. Once a couple enters the real nits and grits of relating, in which family history arises and enmeshment is possible, they will need that reciprocity in problem solving areas in order to facilitate the growth of their relationship to more stable stages. What is your opinion of that?

Dr. Hannig: You bring up a very good point. I think most young people today entering into relation-ships have not been exposed to healthy elements of relationship making. They also bring their family history with them. They may be trying to get needs satisfied with one another that were never satisfied in their own family of origin. If they are not clear and straight with these needs, then they will try to get them met symbolically by indirect ways. So few people are going to connect and be in tune with each other. Therefore, I see that an integral part of therapy is the ability for people to "clean up" their past.

What I mean by "cleaning up" is the uncovering of unresolved feelings from childhood. Once a person starts cleaning up those painful issues, he or she becomes a more integrated individual and is better able to relate to another person who is also integrated. Oil and water don't mix: oil mixes very well with oil and water mixes very well with water. I don't know if this is a proper metaphor, but it makes sense in terms of an integrated person. One who has integrated the past with the present and then becomes attracted and falls in love with a person of equal integration will have an integrated relationship. That is not to say that there will not be differences. Everyone has differences. But, couples who know how to solve problems and iron out their differences will know how to be happy with one another.

People who survive in marriage today deserve the medal of honor. As an institution marriage is enormously stable, although in reality many people never obtain stability in their relationships. There are people who do obtain stability in emotional relationships and they are able to function with each other in a very happy and fulfilling way. That does exist. The American Dream is not dead. There are people who are realizing the dream in their personal lives. They may be rare. Research has not indicated what number of fulfilled and happy relation-ships exist. It is necessary to also look at short term, fulfilled relationships. Somehow, in these relationships, disillusionment sets in and the bonds that had existed in the beginning start to erode and break down, causing people to go their separate ways.

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