HOW TO GET OVER YOUR PAST (AND PAST YOUR HURT) By Mort Fertel

Has your spouse neglected you? Rejected you? Emotionally abused you? Are you struggling to get over the pain of an affair? If you're having marriage problems, the chances are good that you need to put some rnhurt behind you. It's one of the most common questions I get. "Mort, I want to save my marriage.rnBut how do I get over the past?" Here's the key. The first step is to realize what you're REALLY trying to accomplish.rnWhat does it REALLY mean to get over the past? You can't change what happened. There's no time machine that can sendrnyou back to relive the past. What's done is done. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your situation is hopeless.rnWhat I'm saying is that you first have to be clear about what you canrnand cannot change. You CAN get over your past (as I'll explain). Butrnyou canNOT change events that already occurred. The good news is that you don't have to change the past in order to getrnover it. What you have to change is the MEANING of the past. Think for a moment. Was there ever a time in your life when somethingrnhorrible happened and you thought, "Why is this happening to me?" Butrnthen a few years later you looked back and you could answer thatrnquestion. In retrospect, you understood why it happened. At first, itrnseemed like the world was caving in. Later, it all made sense. In fact, very often, we eventually realize that bad times are part of arnprocess that leads to something good! It's the events that FOLLOW bad times that determine the ultimaternmeaning of those times. In other words, it's your future thatrndetermines your past; not the other way around. And since YOU are inrncharge of your future, then YOU determine the meaning of your past. It's interesting to think about this in the context of an age-oldrnquestion: Do we have free choice or is everything predetermined? Thernanswer is YES. Everything is predetermined AND we have free choice. It's like when you play a card game. You get dealt a hand. And you havernno control over the cards you get dealt. It's predetermined. But you also get to play that hand. You also have free choice. Ultimately, it's the COMBINATION of the hand you're dealt and the wayrnyou play it that determines the outcome. And it's the outcome thatrnshapes your view of the original hand you were dealt. I don't know if you're familiar with the Bible, but it's interesting tornnote that in Chapter 1 of Genesis, God says, "Let US make man in ourrnimage." Look at that verse again: "Let US make man in our image." Whornis "us?" Who is God talking to? There wasn't anyone created yet. There are a number of possible explanations, but here's one that Irnthink you'll find relevant: God is talking to US. He's talking to me.rnHe's talking to YOU. And He's saying that YOU are partners with Him inrnthe creation of your life. God deals you a hand. There's nothing you can do to change that. Butrnyou get to play that hand. You get to respond to the events of yourrnlife. And it's your response, your actions in the future, whichrndetermine the meaning of the events in your past. So how do you get over the past? You don't have to get over the past.rnThe past is over! What's important is the MEANING the past has for yournNOW. And the MEANING of your past is determined by your actions in thernfuture. The people I know who have the best marriages are people who wentrnthrough hell in their relationship. They "got over" their past becausernthey used it as a catalyst to IMPROVE their situation. In other words,rnthe painful events inspired them to change themselves and theirrnmarriage. And many people I know began this process WITHOUT theirrnspouse. If you make the right moves, you will come to view certain events asrnbirth pains that led to a new AND IMPROVED marriage. THAT'S how yourn"get over" the past. It's strange how life works sometimes, but if you play your hand right,rnyour hurts become part of your healing. And, in fact, when it comes tornrelationships, it's usually bad times that awaken people to search forrnnew ways. I know you're hurting. But if you'll allow me to show you how to savernmy marriage, show you new ways, your hurt will heal. I can't make thernpast go away. But I can help you give it a new meaning. Then, you'll bern"over it." And you'll have a GOOD answer to the question: Why did thisrnhappen to me?