How to Protect Your Child From Being Bullied

To give your children immunity from being bullied, they must develop a strong sense of self, have at least one good friend and have a circle of friends. While it is never too late to build self-esteem and establish personal rights, children ideally should experience their value and self worth starting before conception. If you don’t value them, they will never value themselves. I said before conception because if you are smoking and drinking while pregnant, knowing the harmful effects it has on your child, you are making a statement that your bad habits and needs are more important than the health and well being of your child. It is a silent statement, but children are influenced not just by what is said, but what is not said or done. Actions do speak louder than words. I am asking you to do some self examination as a parent. My intention is not to shame you, but rather to make you more aware and motivate you to take responsibility for what each of you can do to make a difference in your child’s life. Here are a few tips to help your child build the emotional resilience necessary to avoid being victimized. 1, Giving your child whatever she wants is not the answer. In fact, other than appropriate gifts, continually giving a child whatever he or she wants, without having to earn it, teaches her entitlement and arrogance rather than self-discipline and a strong work ethic. Teach them, train them and love them, but don’t spoil them. 2. “Children should be seen and not heard.” How many of you remember that old myth that should be put to rest and buried. Do you think all of a sudden out of nowhere your child will begin to speak up when for years you made it clear they did not deserve to have a voice? Heck, I have seen patients who were 88 years old who still had no voice because it was so ingrained that their thoughts and words were not important. We might get older, but we hang onto all those messages we were taught as a child. Children do learn what they live. If you give respect to your child, your child now has a positive role model and will know how to respect others. You can’t give what you don’t have. 3. Self-respect will help prevent your child from being bullied and will also reduce the possibility of your child becoming a bully. The news recently reported that a Mississippi kids’ basketball coach has been whipping his team for months because he thought it was good for them. You tell me how whipping a child, for no reason other than that he missed making the basket, will improve his eye-hand coordination or improve his athletic abilities. If I were whipped, especially when I have done nothing wrong, I would be really angry and might be tempted to take it out on someone else. It’s called “passing it on.” The guy obviously needs a course in human motivation 101. I am also making a point that some teachers and parents are the abuser. This whippings went on for months before anyone reported it. With self respect and self-esteem, a child is more likely to take the risk and report the abuse. 4. Accountability is a good teacher. Allow your child to make choices appropriate for her age to learn natural consequences. Consequences that you impose must be rational, reasonable and fair. There must be equity. You don’t ground a child for a month because he forgot his book at school whether it was intentional or an accident. That’s overkill. rnKeeping Your Cool Victims of bullying, particularly the young, face a difficult challenge—that of maintaining balance under pressure. When someone bullies you, he is probably eager to throw you off balance emotionally. He is hoping that you will resort to extremes of anger or show terror. If you fly into a fit of rage or burst into tears and express hurt or fear, the bully is getting what he wants and is encouraged to provoke you again and again. Parents can start early in preparing their children to deal wisely with bullies. They can use role-playing games with their children to demonstrate how to project a sense of confidence as in the following: 1. Physical posture such as standing up straight can send a subtle message that dissuades some bullies. 2. Making eye contact, keeping hands and arms relaxed, and speaking in a firm, steady voice may do the trick. 3. Parents are urged to teach their children to walk away, to avoid bullies and to ask a trustworthy adult such as a teacher for help. Don’t make it your battle. rnHow to Respond to the Bully 1. Keep cool. Don’t give in to rage. When your temper is out of control, you give the bully power over you and you are likely to do things you will regret. 2. Try to put thoughts of revenge out of your mind. Vengeance often backfires. Revenge might feel good for a moment, but it perpetuates the conflict and does not promote healing. Letting go and moving on does help us get over it. 3. When things appear to be getting heated, get away quickly. Scan the environment, be aware and steer clear of those who tend to bully. 4. If bullying persists, you may need to speak up for yourself. Choose a moment when you are calm, look the bully in the eye, and speak in a firm, level voice. Tell him that you will not tolerate the harassment. Do not resort to insults or challenges which will escalate things. 5. Talk to a responsible, caring adult about the bullying. Be specific about the problem and ask for help in handling it. 6. Remember that you have value as a person. The bully might want you to think that you don’t matter and that you deserve to be treated badly. It is the bully who becomes less worthwhile by resorting to such conduct.