In Praise of Marriage - How to Stay in Love and Joyously Married

Marriages are going down the drain at an alarming rate. Many of those that seem to be surviving are fraught with terrible tensions and anxieties. Thus, it seems foolhardy on my part to sing the praises of what some people refer to contemptuously as "an institution." Yet, despite all this damning evidence, I still believe that the marital relationship can be the most profoundly satisfying of all. And there are more than a few happy couples who would agree with me. Marriage can be the most beautiful friendship imaginable, embracing two human beings in their totality, i.e., in both body and spirit, a friendship that expands and deepens through time. An enduring relationship can, of course, begin with a powerful sensual attraction, and it often does. As my late mother once said when referring to a cousin of my in his thirties who married a girl of seventeen: "It might have been sex that attracted them to one another. Some people go for it, you know." However, a marriage founded primarily on sexual gratification will rarely last. It will burn swiftly and brightly like a fire of straw, and then burn itself out. To attain longevity it must involve the heart and mind far more than the body, and the first two must dominate, as they do in any authentic friendship. They will provide the solid undergirding for the relationship. They will enable the two partners to create an enduring commitment to one another. And, as strange as it may seem, it is this commitment that will always recharge the couple's erotic batteries. At this point a skeptic might ask: "What about problems, conflicts, clashes of wills, even crises between the two individuals?" There may be lots of these, as is almost inevitable in any long-term relationship. My late mother-in-law once said that every marriage worth its salt has a few really good fights. But I maintain, however paradoxical this may sound, that all of these hardships that can bedevil a marriage can also strengthen it immeasurably. The couple should see in conflicts the opportunity to pool their resources in order to re-establish the harmony between them. Facing daunting obstacles and overcoming them together is part of the adventure of life. The more they succeed, the deeper their relationship becomes, and, consequently, the stronger the love they will feel for each other. Marriage is a work in progress; the more you contribute to it, the more beautiful it becomes. Or, to use another comparison, love can be a magnificent bonfire, but it is a bonfire that has to be fed constantly, otherwise it will peter out. Naturally, the couple will change during the course of their marriage, just as all of us change during our lives. The important thing, though, is for both partners to remain flexible enough to accommodate these changes in each other's personality. In a sense, the two people involved in a marriage have to choose each other again and again during the time that they live with one another. But there is nothing to fear from this kind of change. Renewing their commitment to one another will revitalize it. Now please understand. I am not minimizing the dangers that any marriage can face, nor am I denying that some relationships become so distended and debilitated that they simply cannot go on. The important thing, however, is to give your marriage your best shot. If you have chosen well to begin with, and agreed to fight hard for what you believe in, there is every reason to hope you will be amply rewarded.