Job Loss, Life Gain. Part 1

Just in the past week, I’ve had four clients show up at my door with the bad news: they are out of a job. It is becoming rather common these days for jobs–and whole companies–to up and simply disappear. On top of that, it seems that every time I turn on CNN or any news show for that matter, some “expert” on job/career management is running down his/her list of things to do when you lose your job. Some of their advice is helpful, some–it strikes me–is a bit naive. Most of it can be summed it in about one sentence: 1. don’t worry, be happy; 2. get out and find another job quickly; 3. network, network, network; 4. focus on your skills and not your resume (I like this one); 5. Keep a positive attitude at all times (sounds a lot like #1, no?). Anyway, I’m not here to bash the pundits. They are doing what they can to help, and given that most of the TV spots are all of a about 3 minutes–their advice is comforting, and better than nothing. But, if I may be so bold, I do think that in most cases (not all), the “networks-du-jour” tend to miss the point: job loss is MAJOR CHANGE and it needs to be treated that way. Losing a job is not something to take lightly. It can be extremely painful, jarring and emotionally crushing, not only to your pocketbook, but to your identity. AND, it could be the best thing that ever happened to you: an opening to all manner of possibility and new adventures. BUT, if you hope to turn the “worst of times” into the “best of times,” you have to answer one very difficult question (one that most pundits evade): how do you honor pain and loss and at the very same time spring forward enthusiastically towards that elusive “new beginning?” In a word, you don’t. Turning a major loss into a major gain takes time–to grieve the ending, to allow the pain to flow through you. Then there is a necessary period of time for clearing your eyes, resting, rejuvenating and shifting your vision towards new possibilities. It may be true that when God closes one door he/she opens another…but my experience (including many job changes and shifts along the way) has taught me that there may be a pretty scary, long, even dark, hallway to navigate in between. With this in mind, I want to use this tiny “bully-pulpit” of a blog to share what I consider to be the essential steps you need to take in order to “make the shift” and turn your loss of a job into a brand new life. Don’t worry, you WILL be happy again…and as the saying goes, “maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon…and for the rest of your life.” Amen to that. Here we go… 1. Acknowledge Your Pain. This one is crucial, and the one that most TV experts leave out of the mix. It may be possible–especially if you nab a quick job interview–to “put on a happy” face, but let’s be real: job loss is painful. Most of us wrap a good portion of our self-worth in the blanket of job title, corporate logo, paycheck, and work role. Like shedding a layer–a deep layer–of skin after baking in the sun too long, letting go of this mantle of identity hurts. The pain is real, and what is most important, at the outset, is to acknowledge it; to share it with those you love—and who love you—and let it out. The biggest mistake—truly the BIGGEST—people make is to try to mask the pain, to isolate themselves, deny that anything is wrong…and go around acting as if everything is A-OK. It isn’t. Even in front of your kids (unless they are very small and frighten easily), it is usually better to be REAL (kids are really good at detecting bullshit…and “false happiness” is more discomforting to them than true pain). Tell your closest loved ones the truth…and share your hurt with them. Most, if not all, will understand, respond with compassion…and offer hugs, chocolate, compassion…and more. 2. Lighten Up. Sounds contradictory, I know. But if you think about it, life is full of contradictions…and paradox. Think about the times during your life when you’ve let down your hair–and let the tears flow. Most likely this experience comes in two flavors: great pain and great joy. I can remember a time when I laughed so hard with my friends that milk (which I was drinking at the time) started running out of my nose…and I could barely hold back the flood of tears that seemed to emanate from deep within my belly. Even in the midst of a career meltdown, it is important to “stay in the mix” of life–not to isolate and suffer your pain alone. Take your initial free time to do something FUN. Ask yourself this question: what activity did I really love to do as a kid, that I have given up because of my “adult” responsibilities? Is it perhaps ice skating (that one came up for me lately)? Or painting? Or rock concerts? Or snow sledding, or water skiing, or bike riding, or playing the guitar? You get the idea. Even in the midst of a painful period, it is important to reconnect to the “other you” that you know exists: the fun one. So, lighten up, grab a pal, and head out to the beach…or the slopes. The job will come. The new life will emerge. If you need–and likely you will–to crimp pennies–then choose something cheap. Expense is not the key here, fun is. Renting ice skates at the rink in Central Park (I’m in NYC) costs about 10 bucks…and affords you an opportunity to reconnect to your inner Michelle Kwan, Wayne Gretzky, or all-around goof-ball. For now, even if it is only for a few days….allow yourself to grieve…and to play. In the midst of doing both…you will come alive with life–its highs and lows–and the voice in your head that is playing an endless tune about the “job,” or that you’re a “loser,” or that “life is over”….will start to diminish. I promise. Stay tuned…I’ll be back tomorrow with steps three and four. This entire blog may take a few days…I don’t want to be a “sound-bite” here…YOU…and all of us, deserve better. In the meantime, don’t hesitate to write to me…send a question (my site has a page for doing just that!)…or reach out. I’d love to hear more examples of inexpensive ways to “play” in the midst of a hurricane. I know it sounds crazy…but it works. We were all kids once…and the little kid in you is still very much alive. Kids bounce back from everything–and in times of deep change, they can be our greatest teachers. So, it’s cocktails (for grieving) and skating (for fun): sip and twirl! Dr J