Judgment Vs Learning As A Response To Problems

How do you respond when there is a gap between what you expect, want, or need and how things actually are? Do you feel distress? Within that distress do you experience judgment, blame, guilt, or shame? For others or for yourself?nnIf you do, you may be approaching problems from the point of view that a problem means something is wrong and somebody is at fault. That somebody is blameworthy, bad, should feel guilty and must be punished in order to make things right. Mistakes shouldn’t really happen. One should know better or be more careful and extenuating circumstances are irrelevant. Responsibility means to put the blame on ourselves or others which makes us want to either avoid or deny being accountable or if we do own up to our actions all our attention goes to guilt, shame, and punishment rather than doing what it takes to make things better.nnIn other words when we use a Judgment/Crime and Punishment Model we send ourselves and others either to prison or to hell.nnThere is another Learning Model option to approaching problems and mistakes in which a problem is just something that is in need of attention. A needed resource is missing. We can evaluate and gather what resources are needed to solve the problem. And with implementation, we can achieve a better result. Mistakes happen and are part of the learning process. No blame, guilt, shame or punishment is needed. We learn from our mistakes. Responsibility here means literally our ability to respond to what is needed rather than being blamed for what was missing.nnResources can be MENTAL (information, skill sets, abilities, practice, discern-ment, expanded rather than self-referenced point of view, realistic expecta-tions), EMOTIONAL (peace and well being, empathy ability, patience, ability to trust, safety), PHYSICAL (Internal- body needs taken care of, relaxed, healthy or External - finances, shelter, weather, time, tools) and SPIRITUAL - faith, connection to higher self or bigger picture, unity consciousness, spiritual purpose rather than ego desire, inherent rightness of being vs. original sin).nnA key factor that differentiates these two models is whether we feel guilt or remorse when we feel responsible for a mistake or a problem. Let’s say I told you I would pick up some pain medication you needed at the pharmacy for you but forgot and consequently you were in terrible pain all night. If I feel guilty, my feelings are all about me. I feel sooooooooo badly for being so irresponsible and causing you such pain. I am a terrible person and I need to (and maybe you need to too) punish myself for my wrong doing. (Attention goes to blame and punishment)n(vs)nnI feel great remorse for how my forgetting affected YOU. I am very sorry I was not reliable and that you suffered so last night. I want to be reliable both for you and for me. I WILL pay attention to how I can help myself remember some-thing that is so important in the future. (mental and physical resource) I’ll make a note and put it where I will definitely see it. (Attention goes to learning and correction)nnTo eliminate judgment does not mean giving up the ability to discern between this or that or sacrificing one‚s personal preferences. t just means giving up the hierarchical judge who looks down upon the judged. The one who has the information or the resource is no better than the one who is lacking the information or the resource. People are doing their best within their limited access to resources. Expand access to resources and outcome will improve.nnAs a psychotherapist working every day with people who want to improve their self-esteem, relationships, well-being, and their effectiveness in their every day lives, replacing a judgment model for a learning model is the fastest, most efficient way to proceed.nnJoan Levy, MSW, LCSW, ACSW is in private practice in Kapaa.n822-5488 joan@joanlevy.com nn