Listen! Listen! And Make Your Wife Happy

Do you want to make your wife happy? Here is some news that will help you with your goal. nnWhy do wives publicly say over and over “My husband doesn’t listen to me”? Whether I am teaching in a workshop, counseling couples or individuals, surveying a group or chatting individually, I get the same message from the majority of wives. “My husband doesn’t listen. I would be so much happier if I just knew that he heard me!” Now that is rather harsh. n nIf you are actively searching for ways to make your wife happy, I have to tell you that the biggest way to make a good impression is to learn the skills of a good listener the way your wife wants you to listen! If you are not listening and she is frustrated and tells you she is leaving, you won’t even know that she has left the house if you aren’t listening. Those men that come home and find the house empty and their wives gone weren’t listening or they would have known there was a plan afoot! nnIn a workshop composed of husbands and wives, I asked the wives to create a message they wanted their husbands to know that would increase their happiness in the marriage. Let me tell you that the women were unanimous in what they wanted their husbands to hear. They said: “Acknowledge us when we speak. Let us know that you have heard us!!!”nnTanya has a male roommate – a cousin – who listens in the classic ‘male’ way. When she has a conversation with him, he is quick to interject “Did you try this” “You should do this” “It would be best if you approached it this way”. Tanya said “It is so frustrating to have a conversation with him because I feel like I’m constantly being judged and told what to do”. nnTanya is a nurse and works in a busy downtown hospital on the surgery ward. Some days things get pretty intense on her watch. It had been one of those totally stressful days when “mister new man in her life” came along and took her out for coffee because she was having a bad day. He ordered the coffees, chatted a bit about his software business and when she was suitably settled and sipping on the latte he stopped chatting and looked her directly in the eyes and said “OK, tell me about your day now.” And he just sat there, listening and nodding. Tanya said it was the greatest experience having her man just listen to her and not offer advice. She felt better about her day and was becoming definitely interested in this new man in her life. nnTip for men: Women need to feel their man is listening. Men can help by learning the "Mantra for Men" and practicing it often, saying to themselves, again and again... Just listen, don't give advice. Just listen, don't give advice. Just listen, don't give advice.nnIt is important to recognize that men and women think differently. While you may think that you are a good listener, it may not be what your wife thinks. My suggestion to you: Ask her. Sit right down and say to her, “Do you think I am a good listener?” What did she say? Did she say yes? Then when you read this article you can read it simply to improve and add to your great listening skills. But if she hesitates, or right out tells you that you are not a great listener, you had better get ready to start practicing these new skills I am about to teach you. nnA woman needs to talk about her feelings. She needs to discuss the events of the day and debrief the incidents that have taken place. She doesn’t need you to solve her problems for her, she’s pretty competent on her own, but she does need a person with a listening ear who will give witness to her and back her up on what she is thinking and feeling. If she doesn’t get that from you, she will go elsewhere to meet this happiness criteria. She will talk to her girlfriends, her mother, her siblings, to her adult children or to another man who likes to listen to her. She will pick one of those or all of those! n nHere are some points on how to listen effectively:nnBe present. This means turning off the TV, the computer monitor, the ringer on your cell phone. It also means finding a place where other people in the household won’t disturb you. Suspend judgment and don’t try to fix the problem, just listen. n nNod. Ask questions to help her understand that you are trying to understand. Summarize what you hear when appropriate.n nBe empathetic. Empathetic listening is trying to understand the conversation from her point of view. It is all very well to be sympathetic, but sympathy doesn’t cut it all the time. When a husband is being sympathetic, he is hearing the problem from his point of view and can offer suggestions and encouragement based on his experiences. Many of the situations that women want men to listen to involves hearing the story from her point of view and not becoming an active participant in it. Does that sound hard to do? Just remember these simple rules: it is her story, your job is to nod and care about her. Remember that your wife is the most important person in your life and treat her that way.n nMake sure your ears are working. In my discussions with women some tell me that they are frustrated with husbands who are losing their hearing and won’t admit to it. If you are one of those men, I strongly recommend that you check your pride at the coat check and go and get your hearing tested. If you need a hearing aid, get one for your wife’s sake.n n “Tell my husband to listen to me!” I hear it over and over. So I’m passing on this message to you. Please listen. Please listen to your wife in a way that can help her feel heard. When you do that you will succeed, once again, in setting an atmosphere that will make your wife happy!n