IS LOVE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE?

What a weird question. Internet users are business people, teachers, students of all ages, housewives, ministers, all sorts of people. Are they lonely? There must be research somewhere to break people down by economic standing, social status, education, etc., but that is probably not needed to get an idea as to the nature of at least some of the Internet users. Think, for a moment, about people in your own circle of relationships. How many are Internet users and why? As you read this, think about people you know. Do you see any of them, or yourself, in any part of this story?

Mary and Paul had been married for over fifteen years. He had worked his way up in a Fortune 500 company and was now the Senior Vice President of Marketing. She had dropped to part-time in her job as a nurse when their first child was born. Over the years, Paul spent more and more hours away from home. Mary trusted him. She knew his job was demanding and that he was truly a workaholic, so she consoled herself with memories of their early days together and by enjoying what his larger paychecks could now provide. Paul thought she was happy with the way things were and stayed focused on work most of the time.

Mary worked only two days a week. She didn't need the money; it was for social interaction that she stayed in nursing. She liked feeling needed by her patients. When she wasn't at work, she had lots of free time. Too much free time. The housekeeper took care of the routine chores. All she had to do was shuttle the kids to their after-school activities and attend PTA meetings. Then came the family computer and Internet access. Mary began spending several hours a day on the computer. At first, this time was spent learning. The Internet is full of information and she felt as though she had a whole library at her finger tips. Before long, she discovered chat rooms, and met some new friends. One friend was Brad. He seemed like a nice person to "talk" to, so their chats became more frequent and lengthy. They would "chat" for hours. Then they began writing and phoning, using fake company stationary they created to throw off suspicion from either of their spouses.

After months of this growing virtual intimacy, they decided they had to meet. Mary and Paul had a disagreement over an issue related to how to discipline their son for a problem at school. She told Paul that it was all his fault that their son had school problems. Paul was never there for the boy, she had told him. She said she was leaving. This would force Paul to be the father she felt he had never been. Mary left Boston and flew to meet Brad in Los Angeles, leaving Paul stunned and not knowing the real reason for her sudden dissatisfaction.

As the plane landed in Los Angeles, Mary was a school-girl in love. Brad had sent his picture to her and she thought he was so good-looking. His voice was so pleasant on the phone. He said all the things she had longed to hear Paul say to her. She knew she had made the right decision. Walking off the plane, she spotted her virtual lover. He ran to greet her and they held each other in a long embrace. Then they went to find Mary's bags.

While waiting for the bags to come out, Brad began to lay out his plans. Mary would meet his wife and kids. She would pretend to be his new secretary. They would work long hours together and their relationship would grow without his wife ever knowing. This was not at all what they had said earlier. Brad had no intention of ever leaving his wife. Mary was a virtual fling turned actual. That's not at all what she had desired. She was dizzy and confused.

Brad went to get his car while Mary waited with the bags. She knew she had to leave Los Angeles now, before this went any farther. Crying as she pulled the cart of bags containing her possessions, she found the ticket counter and bought a ticket home. She never saw Brad again before leaving.

As she heard the drone of the plane's engines, her focus was on what she would do when she went back to Paul.

The ending is open. It could end a number of ways. While the story is not real, it is loosely based on aspects of two stories that were all too real. Are Internet users lonely? Mary certainly was. So was Brad. But why? Brad's story is not so obvious, but Mary's story is quite clear. She denied her feelings, stuffing them inside and pretending life was fine. Paul interpreted this as an okay to maintain the status quo in their relationship. What did he feel when Mary said she was leaving? Communication, one of the lacking elements in their relationship, was now needed to save the relationship, if it could be saved. Mary sought a virtual relationship, a relationship that lacked a physical presence, a relationship that certainly turned out not to be what it appeared to be. Paul sought a different kind of relationship - one with his work. In both cases, they neglected the one relationship that mattered, the one with each other.

Another element lacking in the lives of all of the named characters is fulfillment. Mary tried to find it in her Internet love
when she couldn't find it in her patients and her memories. Brad tried to find it in an extra- marital affair. Paul sought it in his job. They were all looking outside themselves for something that starts from within. It seems fair to say, at this point, that they all had rather low self-esteem, and were all rather lonely.

It is true that not all Internet users are lonely. Not all Internet users, some 30% of the American population, are unfulfilled. However, it might be equally true that a surprisingly high percent of Internet users are in fact lonely, seeking fulfillment, whether through work related Internet use or personal use, via the Internet. Real fulfillment can only come when we know who we are and we feel good about who we are. Communication and feelings play a big part in this picture. Feelings are to be acknowledged not stuffed or denied. Self acceptance is a great place to start. It makes accepting others easier.

Are Internet users lonely? For many willing to be honest, the answer is yes. Change starts with making a choice, a decision to begin to see yourself differently than you have up to this point in your life. Even if you don't believe it at first, start speaking words of life and hope about yourself to yourself. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're special...because you are!

Want to find the answers that are within you? You can discover what is important to you by attending the two day or do the complete five day program with one year of personal coaching program. Don't put yourself off any longer. nn===============================================

Bill McGrane is President of the McGrane Institute, Inc. ncreators of the Making It Happen and Managing The Human Machine
Programs. The
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