There Are No Wrong Emotions - Thoughts and Observations about Dealing with Our Crisis

I am a big believe
in living in the moment. I am not big on focusing on what could have been or should have been. I believe it is important for each of us to bless the events of our recent past - not forget them - and look up and out toward what now calls us forth. However, given the magnitude of the events of September 11, 2001, I think we will likely need to stay on "the black page", so to speak, a bit longer in order to fully work through our feelings and perceptions and advance to a new place of peace.

As I state in The Black & White Book, I am not a doctor. I'm not a psychologist nor a licensed therapist nor any certified healthcare professional of any kind. If I have any credentials, they would include the fact that I've successfully been to hell and back multiple times. I am merely someone who cares deeply about you. I want so desperately for you to find comfort. My wish is that each of us are restored to peace. If you are finding your circumstances to be absolutely overwhelming, if your life is falling apart at the seams, if you are completely convinced there is no hope to be found here, I urge you to find counsel from a caring and qualified professional. There IS an answer. There IS an incredible light to be found at the end of every dark tunnel... even this one.

Although in a very different form than the souls who faced those tragedies in New York City, I have stared death in the face. As told in my autobiographical account, I have even gone beyond this realm. It was, I assume, a brief encounter beyond the body during my extended illness, but it was a profound experience for me that has shaped the way I live my life. It shapes the way I view the massive death toll we have recently experienced. And as a result, I feel deeply moved to offer whatever I can to you surrounding these seemingly unbearable and stunningly violent scenes we have witnessed. I may not be qualified to address those of you who have suffered direct losses. I might not even be eligible to reach out to those of you who were in close proximity to the overwhelming variety of unthinkable events and desperate reactions. I do have faith, however, that if something here is the missing link for you, it is the very reason you have been brought to these words.

One of the highest premises of The Black & White Book is based on my realization that there is always, always, always hope and loving transformation to be found in any situation as long as we choose to find it. Days sometimes turn into weeks into months into years before I discover a new way of seeing things, but by merely intending to find peace and higher answers, I can tell you I have always been led to them. After I know my intent, I set out to live in the only moment there is, this very instant.

Overcoming alcoholism, terminal illness, and depression marked by paralyzing fear, I've come to realize how vital it is to feel my feelings. I have found it completely necessary to allow myself to be exactly where I am in order to be taken to a new place of peace. And that is the other profound realization that led me to write my book. Having grown up in a family where shame was used to control me, it wasn't easy emerging from the idea that I was innately wrong and therefore what I thought and what I felt was wrong. We feel the way we feel. It's just that simple. What we do with the feeling is where we have to take responsibility for inner selves.

One of the things I am so deeply grateful to my parents for is how they incorporated the human reality of death into my childhood experience. I was taken to funeral homes to pay respects to deceased family friends by the time I began elementary school. I was shown the body. It was explained to me that the true essence of that body had moved to a new realm. Even far into my adult years, I have been amazed at the number of other adults who have not been given the opportunity to deal with death. When it comes, they are either overwhelmed or do not know how to react. If this happens to be true for you, this is where living in the very moment and acknowledging emotions enters the picture (and who among us really knows how to react to so many deaths so very suddenly as we have seen in New York?). Whether it be death, losing a job, or having a flat tire in rush hour traffic, if we haven't had to deal with the situation before, our emotions may very well vacillate wildly from one moment to the next. This lack of stability can lead us to think we're losing our minds. But if we can appeal to our higher selves, we will find that little gem called acceptance. Total self acceptance combined with faith that we are being led through every feeling to a place of peace is where true stability lies.

I must tell you that although I was over here on the other end of the country as the World Trade Center was brought to the ground, simply seeing clip after clip after clip of the moments when those planes pierced those buildings and exploded, and seeing those towers crumble again and again from every conceivable angle, I've gone to bed with those scenes playing in my head and have awakened with them, too. I've found myself envisioning the plane crashes as one of the passengers. I've seen myself as one of the hijackers in the cockpit. I see the people in those offices as the floors and ceilings fly away to be replaced with walls of fire. I see men in business suits and women in dresses finding themselves in a freefall toward the ground as the room mysteriously closes in on them. I can't seem to help it. I see it all. And I've thought that sick feeling in my heart and that lump in my throat might never go away.

I could think I was going crazy and that this horrid tragedy has scarred my fragile mind. I could tie incredible fear and morbidity to this mental static. Having taken a vow of silence at a meditation retreat once and simply from meditation itself, I have instead come to see how the brain never stops talking, never stops recording and playing back. And in this age of mass media and a shrinking universe, we now find ourselves in a virtual reality of whatever is happening wherever that may be. With such repetition and replay coupled with the intense emotion that accompanies it, images cannot help but be burned into our brains. This is the brand of experience and level of emotional turmoil most of us are in a position to deal with.

How ever we have experienced this phenomenal loss of life and the horrific way it happened, either from our living rooms or standing on a nearby street corner in Manhattan, this is the type of monumental trauma that requires belief in a power greater than ourselves if we wish to find any kind of peace. It requires a radical belief or willingness to believe that the mysteries of the Universe always work for the highest good of the whole. One truth my mother drove home to me as a kid was that we will never be given more than we can deal with. Even in situations of incredible pain, the body shuts the feeling center down and takes care of us in that moment. We have to know and remind ourselves that those who lost their lives passed easily and effortlessly to a freedom we cannot know in these bodies. Believe me or think I'm nuts, but when I slipped past my body several years ago, I was reminded how perfect everything is. I was shown firsthand how I am always going to be okay no matter what I think. As I was shown this, I realized I always knew it anyway.

Some people are nowhere near believing everything is just peachy in the Universe and that's easily understandable. Whether that's true for us or whether we've had a long-held belief in God or a Higher Power, I promise you it is okay to be angry at God. God is much bigger than you. A Higher Power is much higher than you. It sees all and knows all. Even if you believe you'll be forgiven if you get angry, I suggest to you that you would never even be condemned in the first place. God is love. Love sees nothing else. Express your anger to the Heavens. Shake your fist. As long as you hold an earnest desire to find a higher answer, you will receive it. In this light, our earnest desires and deepest longings are our real prayers.

There is much talk about people being angry at those that created this mess. This is obviously to be expected. Even so, initially I have seen far more sadness, horror, shock, and grieving. At this writing, I'm betting a bunch of us haven't gotten around to the truly seething anger yet. If so, it's likely right there unde
eath waiting in line. There are just simply some other emotions to deal with first.

I have seen so terribly many survivors of this situation who have drenched themselves in guilt for escaping harm when others didn't. If you happened to see the interview with the employer who lost 700 employees in the collapse, you may have recognized someone with tragic guilt for having been a few minutes late to work that day and was therefore spared. He was convinced that it was his obligation to now make enough money to support the 700 families that remain. This would mean that he now would have to hire 700 new employees restoring his company to its total 1000, he would have to pay those people PLUS support the families who lost loved ones. If he is that wealthy or has reason to believe he will be in days to come, then this is a beautiful gesture and intent by someone whose life has no doubt been transformed. If, however, he is not that wealthy... if his financial structure cannot realistically handle this nearly doubled load as I understood it could not, then I see someone who is reacting from guilt. Of the lines I find most profound from A Course in Miracles is, "Guilt is always insane and has no reason." Guilt has no reason. Guilt is not from a place of love but instead from a place of fear. As the title of this article states, there are no wrong emotions. Go ahead. Feel guilty. Feel unworthy. But please KNOW otherwise. Feel guilty if you must for a while, but please know that love does not wish for you to act on it. If you know there is some other emotion waiting for you, it will come. Besides, every one of us has a distinct and important part to fill in the grand scheme of things. Some people have filled their part in bringing about this miraculous new transformation of the planet by making their exit. Others of us need to be here to steer the transformation forward in the highest possible direction.

Denial is a necessary mechanism our minds use to protect us. It sort of holds in reserve some of the harsh scenarios we're simply not ready to deal with just yet. As time goes on and we're left with fewer and fewer choices, we sometimes have no choice but to come out of denial. What is troubling to me is seeing people who are already left with virtually no other choices yet continue to choose denial. I am witnessing over and again so many desperate people connected with those who were in the towers when they collapsed. Despite the fact that these loved ones fell from the sky to the ground amongst layer upon layer of crushing steel and concrete, despite the fact that the recovery crews are finding stray body parts all over the place, I'm seeing people carrying photographs expecting to be reunited with these people whom they so dearly loved. Even after they have checked all the hospitals. Given the grueling and terribly harsh reality of this tragedy, I do not believe this expectation, this lingering, clinging hope is particularly the most loving thing one could do for themselves. Perhaps there are indeed people alive and determined to beat the odds. Maybe the belief by these people that their loved ones are still alive is fueled by a connection so strong it exceeds physical communication. Miracles indeed never cease.

Chances are, however, that most everyone among that wreckage has passed up and out of their bodies. I think the faster we are merely willing to accept such things that we'd really prefer not to, the more we will be restored to inner peace. The Black & White Book is formatted in such a way as to acknowledge the most difficult, frightening, nauseating, infuriating, and completely unacceptable aspects of our circumstance on the black side. It unapologetically admits, "I hate this shit! This cannot happen to me! I do not deserve this!" But as mentioned earlier, the intent is to get to peace. Admitting how we feel will deliver us to the front doorstep of peace. What we have to do from there, as the white side demonstrates, is take a deep breath and give ourselves permission to be our highest possible selves. Just as unapologetically, it says, "I know I can do this. There is something new for me in all of this. I am deciding to see the light here."

Please know that I empathize with the carpet-pulled-out-from-under feelings that accompany all of these deaths and misfortunes in New York City. I fully realize that spiritual ideas are very easily said yet not so easily or quickly accomplished. I would never wish to deny anyone their process. All I can offer you is what my experience has shown me. It either rings true for you or it does not. If it does not, I hope you'll close this window now and honor what your insides are telling you.

That said, I'd like to mention one bewildered woman I saw hoping for recovery of her husband. She stood frozen with his picture in her grasp. Her eyes stared far away and did not move. She said her little boy had concluded that his father was gone forever yet she insisted to him that was not true. She said he would be back. This is unhealthy denial. This is not "expecting the worst but hoping for the best," which is one of the most loving frames of mind we can give ourselves. As I state in the book, "Ignorance is bliss. Acceptance is peace." This woman's inability to at least consider the spectrum of possibilities goes back to my belief that we absolutely have to have faith in a power greater than ourselves. We have to realize that when one door closes, another one opens. I am seeing a need for counsel and comfort among those whose lives have been instantly altered. It is my most earnest prayer that these innocent souls receive exactly what they need.

Even though I bring up these things because my heart aches to see peace prevail here, I must be honest and tell you that this is therapeutic for me as well. If you're experiencing a swirl of emotions and aren't quite sure where you stand with everything, I encourage you to write. Write what you feel. Write what you think. Write what you really believe yet would never want anyone in the world to know. Throw it away when you're done, rip it to shreds if you must, delete the file, but I assure you that just getting it out of you and onto the paper or the computer screen will yield amazing clarity and reduce much of that endlessly looping brain chatter.

It is okay to be scared. It is natural for faith to waver. It human to be angry and sad and confused. I am perfectly convinced that acceptance is always the answer. Can you see how simply giving ourselves the freedom to be fallible and human takes a huge load off our backs? Be upset. Be uncertain. Be sad. But please also take comfort in the knowledge that inner peace and personal happiness await you on the other side. nnnn