Disagreeing to Agree

Falling in love is so wonderful. Everything she says is nsublime, every word he utters is magical. You agree on everything, you and your new romance - never have you felt so understood, valued, appreciated. Then, of course that awful day comes when - NO - It couldn't be - you ndisagree! It starts with something small, like what time to set the alarm, or which side of the closet is yours, but within what seems like nanoseconds, you're disagreeing on everything: which movie to see, what to have for dinner, whose friends to invite, what brand of kitty litter to buy, nwhere to go for Valentine's Day.

Of course at this point, you're wondering if there will even be a Valentine's Day . . . your Heaven sent relationship suddenly seems doomed beyond redemption. You pout, you sulk, you rage, you get depressed. Is it over? Well, if you wanted a clone of yourself, it is. If what you wanted is a genuine love relationship, however, it's not over at all - you've only just begun. You see, there's a very dangerous myth floating around, one which says that true love is a state of being where each partner instinctively and automatically agrees with everything the other partner does and says. This is absolute baloney. That myth describes a perfect state of narcissism, a state of being where you instinctively and automatically agree with everything you say and do. If that's what you want, get a small portable mirror and take it with you wherever you go. . . The only people who will agree with absolutely everything about you are people who either have no persona of their own (and thus have no self with which to love you), or people who are so very insecure that they fear if they don't agree with your every word and deed, you will cease to love them. And oh, how many of us have been on the agreeing end of that type of relationship! Too insecure to speak up for what we truly feel and believe, and thus unwilling to be our unique selves in the relationship. When you are secure within yourself, and secure about the love you and your partner give each other, you are willing to lovingly disagree! No, this isn't saying that a genuine loving relationship looks like the WWF on coed night. Rather, it's under-standing that the art and skill of having a genuine loving relationship is based on working differences through to agreement, not on denying or minimizing differences.

How do you do that?
1.Listen
Listen to what your loved one says about his or her different opinion. Don't jump to being or feeling defensive. Swallow your ego (temporarily) and explore their different opinion. Be brave - ask: What about that movie is more pleasurable for them to see? What about that kitty litter makes it their preference? What about those friends makes them preferred dinner guests? Don't argue their opinion, just listen to it. (notice the use of the ungrammatical 'what about' rather than 'why' -when you ask people 'why' they tend to feel put on the spot.)
2.Think
Think about what they said. There is undoubtedly some merit there (though your ego would have you believe otherwise). Let them know you respect their position: "I can see how you would rather not see another Holocaust movie. I didn't realize ...

3.Share your opinio

"Here's how I feel/think/would like to do." Don't argue, simply set forth your opinion. Don't talk about how your opinion is better (it's not), just give what thoughts and feelings lie behind your opinion.
4.Work it through
Negotiate. Discuss alte
atives. Figure out ways of honoring your differences while working towards functioning together as a couple.

NOW you have a chance at that once-in-a-lifetime, truly miraculous relationship you've always wanted. Although it may take practice and feel awkward in the beginning, learning to work through to agreement is one of the most powerfulassets you can ever develop in a relationship. nnn