Getting to Know You

Your new boyfriend? Hey -you know this man almost better than you know yourself. You know his favorite color, his shoe size, what time he gets up in the morning, how he likes his coffee, his mother's maiden name, when he last voted and what he ate last Thanksgiving. You know which side he likes to sleep on, that he's worried about premature hair loss, that he hates his boss but loves his job, and that he had a mad crush on his first grade teacher.

The problem is, you haven't collected all this information in order to better love your boyfriend, to give him a sense of safety in being known and understood, nor have you catalogued his preferences, habits and hobbies to figure out if this person is a suitable mate for you, no, you've committed to memory his every like and dislike the better to manipulate him into staying with you, being nice to you, and into being impressed by you.

Said like that, it sounds so ugly! Yet we've all been guilty of this one, to differing degrees. You know he likes mashed potatoes, so you feed him mashed potatoes, you know he likes to go to car races, so you turn yourself into a car race junkie. The problem is not what you're doing, it's the intent with which you're doing it.

If you're feeding him mashed potatoes or going to car races to support and validate your beloved for who he is, that's terrific. But if you're feeding your love mashed potatoes or adopting his car race passion to bind him more tightly to you, to make him be nice to you, you're in trouble. Because when he doesn't pay more attention to you despite these efforts, when he flirts with a non-mashed potato, non-race car type, you're furious! You feel betrayed. You're indignant and righteous! "After all I do for you!" you fling at him in a voice which can be heard clearly 3 blocks away.

True love cannot be had with manipulation. A person you get to know so you can wrap them around your little finger may be yours for a while, but it won't last. Oh, there are exceptions, there are people who crave a dependent relationship and others only too happy to oblige with whips and chains, emotional or otherwise, but these are not tales of true love.

These are sad tales of people taking advantage of others' vulnerabilities, which often end up as lurid fodder for the tabloids. The only thing you ever succeed in doing by using whatever you've learned about your loved one against him or her, is damaging the relationship.

How can someone possibly feel safe and secure (the very foundation of love), when who they are is being used against them?

How could anyone feel understood when what is known about them is used to stab them?

What to do?
1. Have a loving intent.
There are only 3 legitimate purposes in getting to know someone:
- To give your loved one a sense of safety in being known and understoodn- To determine the suitability of this person as someone you can love and be loved by.
- To be able to give to, care for and respect the person in a way that is meaningful to them.
2.Be honest with yourself. If you find that you are getting to know someone to manipulate him/her into being close with you, cop to it. If you're stockpiling ammunition with which to control your loved one, you're not creating a loving relationship. This holds true whether you're dealing with a potential mate, a friend, or your sister. 3.Check in with yourself from time to time, ask yourself "Why do I want to know this? What do I intend to do with this information?" Challenge yourself to work with yourself so that the answer becomes more and more often "Because I want to give him/her a feeling of being known and understood," "Because I want to appreciate this person, support them, care about them better." These are the answers of love, and these are the answers worthy of you, as a truly loving person. nnnn