Ouch! The Pain Blame Cycle

What is your first reaction when someone says or does something that hurts you? After “Ouch,” that is. The pain could be from the slip of the tongue or the slip of a hammer. Some of us might jump immediately to blaming someone or something else for causing us pain. Maybe we would not react so quickly for mere carelessness with words or household tools; however, what do we do in the face of life changing events when the pain can be much deeper? • Failed relationshipsrn• Lost job or clientrn• Loss of health At first, and maybe even for a period of time, you blame your pain on someone or something outside yourself. This can certainly seem much easier in the short run. You blame— • Other person for ignoring you or in some way failing to do what you consider necessary to maintain a relationshiprn• Employer for not managing its money well enough to keep you on the jobrn• Client for not following through with an action planrn• Environment for your illness After some time has passed you seek and get help from a counselor, clergy, life coach or business coach, healer, or other trusted person. Through working with another person your pain dulls and then BAM, your pain comes back sharply. What do you do? You blame the helper. From engaging with business coaching clients I’ve recognized a pattern that I call the Pain Blame Cycle: Pain—>Blame—>Seek & Get Help—>Blame Helper—>Hear Helper & Yourself—>Transition—>I Am OK—>Transformation—>I Am—>Yes Often the client’s pain is the result of someone else breaching boundaries or the client not honoring his or her own boundaries. Personal rather than societal boundaries are imaginary lines we draw around ourselves to protect us from other people harming us. These boundaries relate to someone or something we perceive or experience invading or violating our physical body, our space, our time, our energy, and our values. Blame can seem oh so righteous. This is often the case when I first work with a client. We work through the Pain Blame Cycle so that blame no longer gets in the way of Yes.