The Right Tools for the Job

Most people think once they meet the right partner they will automatically have a great relationship. They don't realize creating a great, long-term relationship requires the right tools for the job.

Let me give you an example. Peter has had many short-lived romances, or flings. He believes the reason for the short-lived nature of most of his past relationships is because he hasn't yet met the right person. Now he believes he has met his Ms. Right and wants to be with her long-term. He thinks he will naturally know what to do in this new relationship. Or perhaps he hasn't even given any thought to what he should do.

He approaches this new partner in the same manner as he has approached women in the past. He comes on very strong. He lavishes her with affection and attention. He tries to push the relationship forward quickly. His partner wonders about his motivations. She feels uncomfortable or rushed, maybe scared. She hesitates, tells him to slow down, then gets addicted to the attention and falls, hard. Now she wants to spend all her time with him, and he is starting to feel controlled, pressured.

Peter may walk away from the relationship and lose it because he was trying to build a long-term relationship in the same way he approached his flings. He used the tools for a fling -- coming on very strong, excessive amounts of attention, rushing the relationship -- to get a long-term relationship. He used the wrong tools for the job. He didn't realize a long-term relationship must be built on a different foundation than a short-term romance.

What would happen if Peter realized that relationship skills are no different than any other set of skills? What would happen if he realized he might be missing the ones necessary to build a long-term relationship? He may start paying attention to his actions. He might pursue relationship skill training to better himself. As a result, he would be much more likely to create the long-term partnership he desires.

Now let's take Angela, a late 30-something, attractive woman. Angela, like Peter, has had mostly short-term relationships. The two long-term relationships she did have were difficult almost from the beginning.

Angela attracts men by flirting and with sexuality. She dresses in a provocative manner, and is open to being sexual with men on the first few dates. Men look at her, talk to her and ask her out, often. But, they don't stick around to be in a relationship with her. This used to be ok with Angela, but now she really wants a long-term relationship.

Unfortunately, she keeps trying to attract a man for a long-term relationship in the same way she was attracting men before. She is using the tools for a fling -- sexuality and flirtatiousness, provocative dress, being sexual with men quickly -- to get a long-term relationship. She is using the wrong tools for the job. She doesn't realize a long-term relationship must be built on a different foundation than a short-term romance.

I am sure you want to know what the tools are for building a long-term relationship. Look at the list below and see how many of these you use when trying to build a relationship that lasts. nn=> Going slowly in a relationship to build a solid foundationn=> Knowing what you want, and knowing how to get your needs metn=> Understanding and meeting your partner's needsn=> Maintaining your identityn=> Being able to receive, graciouslyn=> Being able to give, unconditionallyn=> Knowing the difference between what a partner can and cannot give youn=> Communicating fullyn=> Setting boundaries respectfullyn=> Respecting your partner's boundariesn=> Listening completely, no matter whatn=> Being able to work as a teamn=> Building a friendship with your partnern=> Having patience and vision for your relationship

If you find you don't have some of these tools or don't know how to use them, you may want to work on acquiring them. Start by focusing on a particular tool, which in itself will get you moving in the right direction. For example, if you focus on listening completely, you'll start to notice when you don't. With practice, your listening skills will improve.

As with any learning process, it may be useful to have someone, such as a coach, who can help train you. If you need help, I am here for you.

When you have acquired the above relationship skills, you will notice a vast improvement in all of your relationships, such as family, friends and colleagues. And, you will be on your way to creating the long-term relationship you dream of!

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Pariesnhttp://www.whatittakes.com

This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine for people who want fulfilling relationships. For singles, the newsletter will help you attract your Mr. or Ms. Right. If you're in a relationship, you will learn to create more closeness and intimacy with your mate. To subscribe, go to www.WhatItTakes.com. nnn