Why We Don't Do What We Should

When it comes to relationships, people often behave in ways vastly different from what they know they should do, what would be a good idea to do. Singles know they should like people who treat them well, yet they may not be attracted to such people. In relationships, people know to treat their partners well, yet they may cause repeated hurt instead.

Why is there such a difference between what we know we should do and what our behaviors actually are?

At least in regard to relationships, our behaviors are based on subconscious beliefs stored deep within us. We acquired these beliefs in our early childhood as a result of the relationship dynamics of our parents or main caregivers. Regardless of the kind of relationship our parents or caregivers had -- or didn't have -- what we perceived about them is what we believe to be true of all romantic relationships. These beliefs are often subconscious. Consciously we may think we believe something else altogether. In fact, the only way to recognize our deep relationship beliefs is to look at our relationship history and behavior, because we create our relationships to exactly fit our beliefs about relationships.

Why would a deep belief prevent us from doing what we should, what we know would be a good idea to do? Because often our deep beliefs, subconscious and powerful, contradict the "good ideas" or "what we should do."

For example, let's take a woman who believes men are wonderful. Let' say she experienced abandonment from her father during her childhood. As a result, she deeply believes men will always leave her, and hence are not wonderful at all. She has relationships with less-than-wonderful men who always leave her. This of course leads her to believe all men are less-than-wonderful, all men leave, and all men can't commit. Even though she knows it would be a good idea to date healthy, wonderful men who want a relationship, she doesn't believe there are any available men like that out in the world. Her experiences and her beliefs prevent her from believing that a good, single man will ever come her way. And so, she continues to get involved with less-than-wonderful men because she thinks that is her only choice.

Here is another example. Let's take a man who believes all women are warm and loving. However, his mother did not give him the attention and the approval he craved as a child, and he deeply believes all women are cold and harsh. In fact, he keeps getting involved with cold, harsh, unappreciative women. He knows it would be a good idea to date a warm and loving, kind woman. In fact, he would love to be with a loving, kind woman for a change. Yet given his experiences and beliefs, he does not believe any warm, available, kind women exist. And so he continues hoping that one of the cold women will somehow turn warm.

Finally, consider a man and a woman who love each other and want to stay together, yet find themselves hurting each other. Whenever there is an argument, both get nasty, hurtful, damaging. They say things to each other they would never say under normal circumstances. It takes them days to recover and reconnect. Neither one can make sense of what is happening or why.

In their respective childhoods, neither one was allowed to speak up about their emotions or their wants. Both came from homes where children were to be seen, not heard. So these two believe the only way to get heard in a relationship is to turn up the volume and the intensity. They may think talking things out calmly would be a good idea. They may even promise to do that instead next time. But deep down, they literally do not believe it is possible to get results by ask for their needs to be met and talking things out calmly. Instead, they keep tearing their relationship apart.

Do you want to know what deep beliefs are running your relationships? Then question the things about relationships you believe most strongly, the things that are causing you the most pain, the things you think are true but you wish weren't.

Question whether there really are no healthy or nice available men or women. Wonder if maybe you could ask for what you want in a relationship and get it. Wonder whether maybe it is really possible to have a healthy relationship. Question the belief that you will always be hurt in a relationship. Question your relationship history as valid evidence about the world and people -- maybe it's only valid evidence of what has been in your past.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Pariesnwww.WhatItTakes.com

This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine for people who want fulfilling relationships. For singles, the newsletter will help you attract your Mr. or Ms. Right. If you're in a relationship, you will learn to create more closeness and intimacy with your mate. To subscribe, go to www.WhatItTakes.com. nnn