The Seven Principles of Intentional Communication

I've been playing with two metaphors for communication.

The first metaphor: Communication is like stepping on a rake. When I snap at my husband,he tends to snap back at me. On those rare occasions (yeah, right), when my frustration leads me to raise my voice or use less than diplomatic language, it's just plain amazing that the person I'm wanting cooperation from tends to get stubborn. And when I communicate my impatience about a slow line in the grocery store, doesn't the clerk just seem to go slower?

Bonk! There's that darned rake, smack between my eyes.

I remember hearing someone say, "you never get enough of exactly what you don't want." Call me stubborn, but it's taken me just about twenty years of observation and a very bruised forehead to see the possibility that getting what I do want may require a different metaphor. Communication can be like opening a door. Here's why:

Principle 1: Communication is always and everywhere occurring, whether we're doing it consciously, with purpose, or not. It doesn't matter if you're ranting, begging, manipulating, power-tripping, or giving someone the "silent treatment." Saying nothing says everything.

Principle 2: All communication is creative. That is, each conscious and unconscious act of communication creates a result.

Principle 3: Human beings are endowed with the power of choice. We have a choice about how we communicate.

Principle 4: It follows, then, that if we don't like the results we experience in life, we can choose to communicate differently. Paradoxically, we can't change life. All we can change is our communication about and into life -- and when we do, life has to change to keep up!

Principle 5: Nothing is personal. It's not about you. Not the long bank line. Nor the snarling response you get from an unhappy customer. Not even your colleague's evil temperament. It's just not personal--it's a mechanical progression of result, result, result, result, and result.

Principle 6: When you're not getting what you think you want from somebody, Listening is the first thing to do, not the last. Can you imagine it? But the paradox is delightful! The more I listen, the more the relationship between me and you grows, and the more likely you are to help me get my needs met.

Principle 7: When all else fails, tell the truth. Truth is the only thing that is Personal. There is no Truth "out there." It resides in our souls, in our experience, in our own perceptions. Telling my truth to you can bring us closer, and can sometimes be the turn of the handle that opens the door. nnn