We all have to deal with them at one time or another: difficult people. What is it that makes someone difficult? Why do some people push our buttons more than others? And how can you handle them in a way that feels better, reduces conflict, and produces the outcome you want? nnThere is an important thing to consider. Is what you’re doing or saying contributing to the difficulty? Taking responsibility—for yourself and for the way you communicate—is an important step to reducing conflict. nnHere are some key tips.nn1.Are they truly difficult or just different from you? Sometimes when people have different ways of handling things than we do, we label them as difficult. Responding with an approach of “that’s interesting” instead of concluding that they’re “wrong” or “annoying” can help you find value in the differences. You may learn something new about yourself or about them.n2.Mirror, mirror. . . . Often we react because the other person reflects something in ourselves that we don’t like . . . or don’t want to look at. It helps to first take an honest look at ourselves. You might ask, “Is there any part of me that is like her? Is there something I’m seeing in her that I find distasteful in myself? Maybe I need to have more acceptance and compassion for myself.”n3.Be aware that there are different styles. People have natural differences in their behavioral styles. Some people’s styles are brief and to the point. They are more task-oriented. Other people are more talkative and social and place a higher emphasis on relationships. Then there are people who tend to be more analytical. They focus on analysis, data, and order. Still others place a high priority on steadiness and security. If you communicate in a way that mirrors a person’s style, you will be speaking his or her language. This builds rapport quickly, and you are very likely to have a successful communication—and less conflict. n4.Actively listen. Give the person your full attention. It’s easy to miss things he or she is saying when you react emotionally. In this busy world, most of us listen while we are “multitasking.” Try this approach:nPut yourself in the person’s shoes as best you can. nAsk questions to clarify.nSummarize or paraphrase—restate in your own words—what he or she has said. nFinally, acknowledge the person’s point of view, even if you don’t agree. For example, you might say, “It seems that this is very important to you” or “I can hear that you’re angry about this.” While you’re listening, keep the focus on him or her, rather than bringing it back to you. Ask yourself, “Am I really listening or just waiting for my turn to speak?”n5.Notice when your emotional “buttons” get pushed. Take responsibility for your reactions; after all, a person may have pushed your buttons, but he probably didn’t install them. Take a break until you’re less reactive. Interacting when emotions are high can be risky. Taking a walk or doing some other physical exercise can help to blow off steam.n6.Watch your “yes . . . buts.” When you use “but” (or “however”) after supposedly agreeing with someone (“I understand, but . . .”) or after giving him a compliment (“You did a great job, but . . .”), you are really dismissing or devaluing what the person has said or done. Instead, use the “yes . . . and” approach. For example, say “I understand your perspective, and I’d like to share mine with you.” n7.Use “I” statements. “You” statements tend to create defensive reactions. For example, instead of “you’re always late,” say “I need for you to be on time.” “I” statements are more powerful and productive. Be careful about “you” statements in disguise. “I think you’re a jerk” is not an “I” statement. n8.Be aware of your body language and voice. So much of what we say is communicated through our body language and our voices. They speak a language all their own. It’s often not what we say; it’s how we say it. If your body language is closed (for example, arms and legs crossed), you are sending a strong message that you are closed off. Even though you may be comfortable in that position, it’s important to be aware that you’re sending a message—a strong message. Open body language sends an important message about your receptivity. Keeping your arms unfolded and open gestures are examples of using open body language.nnFor the general population in this country, if you don’t look someone directly in the eye, there’s a perception that you are hiding something or being less than truthful. Eye communication, such as rolling your eyes (in disgust, for example), also can speak volumes.nnIs your tone of voice adding to the conflict? Some people aren’t aware how terse or edgy they might sound. Try listening to yourself on an audiotape or voice mail. It can be helpful and enlightening!nn9.Focus on and state the positives! When frustrated or irritated, so much of what gets said is negative. For example, instead of “why don’t you ever clean your room,” you can say “I really love it when your room is clean!” When you ask for a positive outcome, you are much more likely to have success.n10.Use the 4F model ©. Here is a model I’ve created that will help you handle difficult communication.nnStep 1: Foundation valuing statement. Identify and state the genuine value in the other person or situation. nn“What I appreciate about you is. . . .”nn“Our relationship is important to me and there’s something important I’d like to talk about with you.”nnIf you’re going to say it, make sure it is authentic and sincere! If not, start with step 2. And remember to leave out the “but” following an appreciation or acknowledgment.nnStep 2: Facts. Make sure you state observable facts—not assumptions. nn“I notice you’ve been late for our last three meetings.”n nWhen you state “the facts” as you see them, it gives you an opportunity to check if the other person has the same understanding.nnStep 3: Feelings or results. Let the person know how you’re feeling about it. nn“How I feel about this is. . . .”nn“As a result, I’m feeling (irritated, frustrated, sad, etc.).”nnStep 4: Future action. Ask for the change you want.n n“What I would like in the future is. . . .”nnWhile you may want others to change because they seem difficult, the only person you can really change is yourself. Using these 10 key tips will lead to more successful and satisfying communication—even with those difficult people in your life.nn** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit
http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways2.html.