Rape Article

My name is Georgia Durante. I am a 49 year old stuntwoman who can dominate a two-ton vehicle at high speeds, but off road I have careened from one emotional head-on collision to another. Rather than my life ending with a triple-roll crash of a vintage Dino Ferrari during the filming of a commercial, it began. While somersaulting at high speed toward a forty-foot drop-off into the ocean, I did not see my life pass before me—only my professional instincts roared into focus. With time to reflect, I began to discover that I have built an entire professional persona, not in conjunction with my life as a woman, not in support of it, but in contradiction to it. High-speed avoidance of the “bad guys” isn’t just what I do in front of the camera—it’s what I’ve done all my life. My life’s journey continues in search of the woman at the center.nnWhen I was 17 I was raped by my brother-in-law. I was a virgin at the time. And after the act was over, Dick was afraid I would talk so he pulled me into the backyard with a shovel and told me to start digging my own grave. Quick thinking allowed me to escape the situation, but it would take years to escape the event in my mind. nnI was a model when this happened. I was the Kodak summer girl. My life-size image was seen in 80,000 drug store windows all over the world. The magnetic smile of the poster girl had vanished as I struggled for my self-esteem. The people in my small town were already jealous of my success. This gave them the evidence they needed to continue to gossip about me with conviction. I took this man to court and he did do jail time. But the court experience was worse than the rape, and the scars lasted a lifetime. He became the victim and I had to prove I was not a whore.nnUp until that point, I lived my life as any 17 year-old would, impervious to the differences of the way men and women think. After the rape I was very cautious of how I spoke, how I dressed, and how I related to people. I always looked for hidden meaning in everything anyone said. And I knew men were looking for hidden meaning that was not there in everything I said too. Because of the unwarranted gossip in my small town, I allowed myself to feel worthless. This event in my life was responsible for all of the bad choices I made from that point on. I'm married for the first time, not out of love, but because I didn't believe anyone would want me because I was no longer a virgin. I felt lucky that someone would marry me. nnOf course that marriage didn't work. My second marriage was a total disaster. This man was 15 years older than I was, and again, I felt lucky that someone wanted to marry me with a child. Knowing my fragile psyche, this man used it to his advantage. He told me daily how ugly I was and broke down what little confidence I did have to being non-existent. I know now it was his own insecurities that made him do this. I became an abused women. My self esteem was broken down to a point that allowed this to happen. It took years to discover my worth after living under this kind of physical and mental abuse.nnI spent many years trying to prove to people (who had long forgotten about this incident) that I was worth something. I did it in ways that were very detrimental to my mental well-being. Living my life through the eyes of others rather than for my self. Once I was able to breakaway from this monster I was then surrounded by people who validated my accomplishments and strengthened a more positive way in which I viewed myself. nnI know that forgiveness helps the healing process, but I was never able to forgive my rapist. He changed the course of my life dramatically. I don't know if I ever did learn to trust again or to be vulnerable again. And that is sad. I'm sure I have passed up many relationships that could have been good if I allowed myself to trust. But being vulnerable again terrified me. Though no one would really know it, I'm very open and outgoing amongst people, but when they start getting too close I run the other way. I am the queen of facade. The mask I have worn was who I had become. Only now, since I have explored what had happened to me and have some awareness of the how and why it all happened, I am working on opening by heart to deserving people. nnI went to a therapist in 1993, shortly after my crash in the filming of a commercial. I wanted to know why I placed more importance on the car than my own life. He suggested I get a journal and write in it for 20 minutes a day. When I started to do this, at age 43 , I discovered for the first time what exactly had happened to me. I began to unravel the origin of an extraordinary tangle of neurosis and buried trauma. I would read the pages I had just written and came to an understanding of why I do the things I do and react the way I react to everyday life. I had never looked at it before. My journal turn into a book called "The Company She keeps", which was published in 1998. In finding myself, I am now helping other women to see into their lives and make some positive changes. I'm very inspired to know that my life's lessons are helping others to make the right choices in leading a more positive and productive life for themselves. My suggestion to others to help in the healing process is to write. My only regret is that it took me so long to do it. nnI was very lucky to have parents that loved and supported me. Without them and my belief in God, I don't know if I could have made it. Rape takes on a psychological force that can spiral out of control. The experience, if not dealt with properly can be detrimental for the rest of your life. Because there is more awareness today and books on the subject, we can heal much faster. Their are places where women can seek help when they find themselves in this situation. That wasn't so in my day. I had to learn life's lessons the hard way. I swam in murky waters for most of my life, not understanding the psychological effects this violent act had had. With my new awareness I am now leading a much fuller life in helping others to understand that they can to. nnn