Relationship Talk

GUARDIANSHIPnn When we hear the word ‘guardian,’ what comes to mind might be how we feel in relation to our children, or our elderly parents, or perhaps an estate. At first blush, seeing oneself as a guardian of one’s relationship might seem a bit weird. However, if we were to think of ourselves as a guardian of our relationship, perhaps we would behave quite differently and, therefore, feel more loved and cared for than we often seem to feel. nn Guardianship usually suggests, at a minimum, responsibility, nurturing, and protection. Relationships too often look like training opportunities for warfare, or games such as one-up-man-ship, battle-of-the-insults, or tolerate-the-imbecile.nnThink of a typical, mundane interaction . . . did you call the bank today? No, I thought you were going to do that. Me!!? You said . . . . No! I didn’t . . . don’t you ever listen to yourself when you talk?!!! And so on. If you thought of yourself as a guardian and protector of your relationship, how might this conversation, or accusation-exchange, go differently? Perhaps, the first response might be “oops, I didn’t realize you were expecting me to make that phone call. I thought you were going to do that, I guess we both ended up with that idea”, perhaps adding, “I’d be happy to do it tomorrow, unless you might have the time.”nnThink how you might feel after the first version of this conversation – probably you would feel unfairly criticized and disrespected as the receiver, and as the initiator, perhaps exasperated and righteous in your anger. A pleasant evening would be in jeopardy. In the latter version, good will is intact and you might feel like offering that massage or cup of coffee. nnHow often do we have the principle of ‘guardianship’ in mind during our interactions with our partners?n nWHAT HAPPENED?nnThere most likely was a time, probably earlier in your relationship, when this kind of politeness and courtesy was the rule, when you treated your relationship as a precious entity that you took care not to hurt. Maintaining a feeling of connection was vital. So, what accounts for the sarcastic or unkind manner in which we address our partners at times? nnPeople often say they are ‘stressed out,’ so they lose patience. The less-acknowledged aspect of this is that we indulge ourselves and allow ourselves to criticize, lose our tempers, jump to conclusions (and act accordingly) rather than taking the time to fully understand what is being said to us and how best to resolve the conflict or misunderstanding. As a result of behaving this way, we end up feeling unloved and unappreciated all too often. nnWHAT TO DO ?nnWhen you first feel hurt or angry, pause and think “if I want to protect this relationship, how can I express what I’m bothered about in such a way that my partner will not feel hurt or threatened?”nnTake on the attitude that there are no victims, only perpetrators. If you feel hurt or angry, ask yourself “how have I made my partner feel unsafe with me, such that he/she is treating me this way?” Few people are gratuitously unkind. What we often fail to consider is what we might have done to threaten or hurt our partners first, which they are reacting to in response. nnIt’s easy to think of those sharp ‘zingers’ to say in retort when we feel attacked or criticized. Refraining from letting them fly is a challenge. But that is exactly what you have to do in order to establish good will between the two of you.nnStarting off with phrases such as “Perhaps you didn’t mean any harm . . . . . . however, I felt hurt when . . .”nn• or “I may have misunderstood what you said, help me understand what you meant by . . .” nn• or “Let me see if I understand what you’re saying . . . .” make it more likely that your partner will be willing to listen to you.nn• Also, calling a ‘cease fire’ and setting a specific time to get back together when both of you have had a chance to cool off can be helpful.n• n• Take the initiative to apologize for what you feel you have contributed to the conflict. nnReally listening to one another is crucial, with the awareness that both of you have something to say that the other needs to hear and understand. n nIf we protect what we have, if we take on the role of guardian of our relationship, we will feel more loved, appreciated and safer with our partners and in the world.