Scream, Shout and Yell. Oh, My!

“Brenda, my kids never listen unless I yell at them.” I frequently hear this comment in my work as a childrearing expert, speaker, and media guest. Parents want help and encouragement in their enormous task, and effective discipline is always at the top of their list.

Many parents say they can’t get their kids to mind until there's screaming. After I listen to a parent, I sometimes ask, “Why do you think you don't get a response until then?”

“Because that’s when they know I really mean it!”

“Oh, so you don’t mean it when you say something in a normal voice?” I tease.

“Yes! Of course.”

“Then why don’t your kids mind?”

“Probably because I don’t follow-through and end up yelling to make 'em move.”

Precisely. Since kids are born learners, they’ve learned that you don’t mean what you say until – or unless – you RAISE your VOICE! These little students have absorbed your lesson well. Unfortunately, yelling at children confuses and intimidates them in addition to teaching wrong lessons includingnn • they’re not worthy of being spoken to in civil tonesn • it’s acceptable to yell at you or othersn • they ignore respectful and dignified requests when people speak in normal voicen • others don’t mean what they say until they yell, andn • an acceptable form of stress relief is screaming, ranting, and raving.

“I hate being a screamer. How do I stop?" is the next question.

As a mom, there’ve been times I’ve yelled to get action. But I discovered that I didn’t have to scream to be effective in my discipline. Most parents occasionally emphasize with a raised voice but, if this is your daily habit then it’s an unhealthy form of communication.

Here’s my advice; I encourage parents to take one day at a time. Screaming isn’t a pattern quickly broken. Just as you practiced yelling and saw results, you’ll have to practice not yelling.

Remember, practice makes permanent. Along with trying to speak in a normal voice, practicenn • touching your child on the arm or back to get his attentionn • when you have eye contact, speak in a normal – firm – tone of voicen • if your child won’t mind, use another discipline method such as consequences.

Remember, it’s your job to be a role model. How do you want to model communication in the home and to others?

A helpful article in the New York Times on not screaming at children is found at http://healthandenergy.com/screaming_at_children.htm.nnIf this is helpful and you want a short tip each week on discipline, join others who subscribe to Brenda’s Discipline Tip by emailing subscribe@BrendaNixon.com with your email address. My Discipline Tip service is free and you can unsubscribe anytime.

Did you know there are 8 ways to get kids to mind without shouting? We recorded my live “Creative Discipline” presentation onto CD. Now you can discover those effective ways, too! The 1-hour CD is available for order at my website http://www.brendanixon.com/writer.htm.nn©copyright, 2009, Brenda Nixon, M.A.