Stop The Blaming

Two people work in a retail environment. It is small and employs about six people. Customers visit throughout the day. One of these people is the manager. The other person handles issues regarding credit and group sales. For the past three years they have not spoken to each other. The manager sees the sales person as a threat, someone who tries to undermine her. The sales person sees the manager as a whiner and lacking in competence. The manager is reserved. The sales person is very outgoing. They blame each other. Neither person can see past the blaming to resolve the issues they have between them. Their ongoing conflict creates stress, pain, struggle, and needless suffering. They don't know what to do about it. This scene is common. Workplaces, places of worship, and families have people whose mutual blame is so strong that they can't even talk to each other. It doesn't have to be that way!

We each have the power to create success instead of suffering. We have the power to create peace instead of excessive stress and conflict. To do this we have to give up one thing. This one thing is painful, causes misery and suffering, drives people to violence, and prevents us from achieving our true goals. You would think this would be reason enough to give it up. You would think most of us would be letting go of this thing in an instant.

This one thing that makes us suffer is also something we fight to keep. We identify with it. We invest our well being in it. We remind ourselves about it over and over again so that we won’t forget it. It disempowers us. It distorts our ability to see reality. This one thing that we need to give up is blaming. Without blaming we are 100% responsible. 100% responsible means that we are completely able to respond to any situation. If we are able to respond we have power.

I am an expert on blaming. I have done it all my life. I have blamed spouses, children, parents, friends, neighbors, coworkers, the government, the economy, other nations, TV, poor people, rich people, and myself. You name it and I’ve blamed it. One day I discovered the common denominator. In every relationship, whether personal or professional, where there was strain, irritation, or conflict, there has been one common denominator. I was there. It is this undeniable truth that has led me to adopt the daily practice of moving beyond blaming.

What happens when you choose to move beyond blaming? Power is unleashed within you. Success comes more easily. Your passion is sparked and it drives you in a positive direction. You become disinterested in negativity, complaining, and blaming. You become very interested in creating your vision, living it, and manifesting it. Your focus is sharpened. Your commitment is strengthened. Your impact on other people is positive. You become an inspiration to others.

Yet we blame. Why? We blame for the payoffs we receive. It would seem that stress and suffering would not be such great payoffs. It goes something like this: "I'm miserable. I am in pain. I suffer daily from this struggle. But, at least I know I'm right. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing you're suffering, too." There are other payoffs, too. Sometimes we just like the drama. We get to the hero of our personal drama, riding the back end of a pointing finger. It hurts, but it is just a little bit satisfying. We get a little bit of a charge out of being the victim and of being self righteously offended. But really, it isn't fun. It is destructive. It gets in the way.

Blaming is always a distortion of reality. It is a story we tell ourselves and then convince ourselves is true. But it isn't as true as we think. Often we aren't really honest. You might say: "My dad never cared about me!" Is that true? Do you know that for sure? Do you know absolutely what was going on in his mind--his desires--his fears? All you know is your experience. Focus on this moment and ask: "Who is the person I am being when I blame my dad?" An honest answer might be that you are feeling sorry for yourself, that you feel inadequate because of what happened to you. Could be he had the same mindset. Somebody hurt him and that became the excuse for his shortcomings. If it's not your dad, who is it? Who is the person you blame? Who are you when you are blaming? Is this the person you want to be?

Who would you be if you weren't blaming? How free would you be without the excuses? How would you treat people if you weren't blaming them? How would you treat people if you weren't telling yourself that you can't be yourself around them? Who says you can't be yourself? How powerful would you be if you weren't anyone's victim? Here's the deal. Whatever may have happened, it was probably painful enough when it happened. Why keep reliving it? And you don't need to make sure someone else suffers. People reap what they sow, even if you don't see it.

The choice is clear. On one side you have suffering, pain, unresolved conflict, stifled goals, frustration, victimization, and the ability to tell yourself you are the one who is right. On the other side you have peace, happiness, success, goal attainment, empowerment, positive relationships, and the ability to do the right things. Which do you choose? Stop blaming! Be happy!

As for the two people who weren't speaking to each other--I have them talking to each other now. It is very uncomfortable for them, but they are making progress. nn