Surviving an Affair is Easy - 7 Steps to Building Your Own Raft to Ride the Waves

Whether you stumbled upon the fact that your spouse was cheating by accident, someone you trust alerted you to your partner's indiscretion or your husband or wife confessed to the affair out of guilt, shame or fear, it's possible to survive the affair and the rough waters ahead. Here are the seven steps to building your own raft to ride the waves and dock in calmer seas.rn1. The affair ends nowrnInsist that your spouse end the affair immediately and permanently. Have them do it on the phone and with you on the extension. Don't allow, "I owe it to him/her to tell them in person." Your spouse doesn't owe anyone other than you. The lover knew your spouse was married and didn't care that they were hurting you. Why should you have any concern for them?rn2. Have an open door policyrnThat means that unless you're in the room or are in earshot, your spouse doesn't make any phone calls that you can't listen to. They don't get on the computer unless it's in your view and they give you all of their passwords so you can check their e-mails, social networking sites, and cell phone for any text or phone messages whenever you like. Also have them block their lover's access so he or she can't continue to try to get in touch.rn3. Ask questionsrnLet's face it, you're curious. You want to know who, what, when, where, why, how often, how long and so forth. It's much easier to deal with a situation when you know everything rather than when you have lingering questions. Plus it may help you to figure out what was so lacking in your marriage that your spouse would either seek out or let them be seduced into the affair. Plus it's important to know why you didn't recognize the clues of the affair that were undoubtedly there.rn4. Dealing with your emotionsrnInitially, tell them how you feel; that you're hurt, sad, angry, disappointed - whatever you're feeling is understandable. Try to do it as calmly as possible. If, on the other hand, you express your rage and hurt whenever you both discuss the affair, it isn't going to help you in the long run. You're just going to make your spouse apprehensive to talk to you about it out of fear of reprisal.rnWhen necessary, grab a pillow and go scream in your closet. Hit a punching bag. Cry in the shower. Take up a sport to help you diffuse all of your emotions. Join a support group. Talk it over with a counselor or member of the clergy. Start a journal. Do whatever you need to express emotions without always aiming your antagonism and wounded feelings at your spouse.rn5. Focus on other aspects of your marriagernDon't make the affair the focal point of every conversation or interaction you have with your spouse. If you're going to rebuild your marriage, spend time doing things that you did during happier times. It will be awkward at first, but eventually it will start to feel natural again as you sail along to survive the affair.rn6. Expect occasional choppy seasrnYour journey to survive the affair isn't always going to be a straight course on smooth waters. Anticipate the occasional choppy seas. Just know that you've built a strong raft that will survive the rough waters and hang on until you make it through the other side of the storm.rn7. Give yourself timernThere isn't a time limit before you will feel normal again. You'll get over it when you get over it. It takes time to rebuild trust. Until you're honestly ready to forgive your spouse and get past all of the hurt feelings and betrayal, don't try to force it.rnYou can forgive even if you never forget. Just build that raft and give yourself time to make the journey to get to calmer waters where you can drop your anchor and enjoy your marriage on the sea of tranquility.