Tell Me Anything But Don't Tell Me To Stop Training

At the risk of offending my reading audience the title of this article drips with sarcasm to nndrive home a point. It’s probably no surprise to any of you men that as a group we have nnbeen reluctantly dragged by the tide of reformist movements that have revamped gender nnroles. Notwithstanding our denials we have shed traditional socialization patterns as nneasily as one sheds a piece of gum on the soles of one’s shoes without using our hands. This means that “The king of the castle mentality” still lives especially among nngenerations sandwiching The Baby Boomers. If the shoe fits then like myself you can nnpicture in your mind’s eyes Ward Cleaver lounging at home in his cardigan sweater while June Cleaver does all the housework. I don’t think there has ever been much debate over nnmen’s inflated sense of entitlement being linked to their status as breadwinners of their nnfamilies. Men continue to derive self-worth from “doing for” as opposed to “being with” nnothers. We may find this to be the case even in households where we find the men caring nnfor their children while their wives ply their trades in corporate America. Maybe, it’s hard for some of us men to accept that we can be stuck in emotional time nnwarps especially if we cringe at the thought that we are repeating behaviors in our nnpartnerships we swore we would not repeat after giving our parents failing grades in the nncourse: Marital & Parental Relations 101. Still, even as we men acknowledge that nngender roles have become fluid, reversible and interchangeable especially, when kids are nnfactored into the equation, I still hear women clients complain that they wish their nnhusbands didn’t sit with them and feel compelled to fix their problems as if they were nnautomobiles with faulty carburetors. These gender role challenges are not the exclusive nnprovince of heterosexual relationships either and apply as well in gay and lesbian nnrelationships. Sex may be less significant than which parent are you most comfortable nnidentifying with. Given this emotional backdrop men may hear something very different when they listen nnto their partners. Expressions like: “Honey you’re never around” or “I need you to nndivorce your tailgating buddies and remember who you married,” are usually ill nnconceived communications to their partners designed to convey that these women want to nnspend more time with their guys, need to feel more connected and more important to nnthem. Unfortunately, when you couple the male ego’s insecurities with performance nnstandards that eye Donald Trump as the standard bearer of success, such remarks do not nngo over very well. They are often heard as: “Buddy, you’re not doing enough and nntherefore, you are not only to blame for any unhappiness I feel but, more over you are an nnincompetent partner because you are an inadequate person.” It’s not hard to guess that most men at this point would not turn to their partners and nnendearingly reply: “Honey, I heard you just say that I am a loser. Will you please clarify nnyour last remarks for me?” Criticisms, justified or not, may cause emotional abrasions nnthat don’t hurt that much and don’t bleed for long but, negative judgments can feel like nnstab wounds in the chest. This is much more the case if we guys at the receiving end feel nnclueless as to what it is that will make our partners happy. This is especially so when nnwhat we experience to be attacks on our worth as partners are confirmations of our own nnworst fears. n My experience counseling couples is that women who are heard by their men attacking nnthem where they are most likely to see stars are often retaliating for what they experience nnas being attacks on their adequacy as nurturers and attractiveness as women. In truth, nnguys if the loves of your lives are indeed railing at you it may be their way of saying: “I nnlove you and need your loving support, why are you rejecting me by taking me for nngranted or ignoring me.” At this point couples can achieve an impasse where two wrongs nnmake a right and the circular battles that ensue make it easy for each partner to say: “You nnstarted!” They remain with their horns locked because they feel stuck in such flawed nnpolarized thinking as: “One of us is crazy and it’s not me,” and “You’re the one that nnneeds to change because you’re the one that needs fixing. I’m fine just the way I am.” Also, it’s simply safer to find justifications to lock horns at a distance than risk being nngored. If we fear for our emotional lives then, it stands to reason that we will avoid being nnin the same room unless, we are distracted by television, kids and other folks or nnengrossing tasks. If you find yourself or your partner cleaning out the garage at 11PM on nna Saturday night it is a telltale sign that at least one partner feels as safe in the bedroom as nndriving a car on black ice. Guys are particularly susceptible to running away from nnpotential conflicts as they tend to equate emotional vulnerability with weakness and nnhaving emotional needs as signs of childish and shameful dependency. The beginning of a new lease on a couple’s life may start with the individual realization nnthat one’s emotions are one’s emotions and that losing control of them so that they nnbecome weapons leaves that partner feeling bad about himself no matter how much nnimmediate satisfaction is derived from exacting revenge. In the self-esteem game, a nngame of skill that is built on learning how to regulate our own self esteem, two wrongs nnnever make a right. Therefore, if you violate the values upon which you esteem nnyourselves then, you pay dearly. Adults don’t feel good about themselves when they nnbehave like children. It’s a fact of life. Affirming our rights to life, liberty and the nnpursuit of happiness regardless of our limitations and deficiencies gives us a most crucial nnone degree of separation and protection from what is thrown at us from our wounded nnpartners. Keep in mind, if we weren’t so important to our partners he or she wouldn’t be nnscreaming about what they want that they’re not getting from us. Guys will take off their emotional football gear if they have a better handle on warding nnoff dreaded responses to “what they did or said that was wrong?” Someone must be nnwilling to take the lead in changing destructive patterns of relating and the partner better nnequipped to do so will often volunteer if life at home is to improve. “Who started it all” nncan’t be all that important if your top priority is to have a mutually satisfying relationship. If you’re taking the lead here are a few tips to increase the safety and security of the nnclimate in the room so that a constructive dialogue for working out differences may nnensue: 1) Success is founded on paving roads that are clearly marked and paved so as to nnbe negotiable. Ask your partner for what you want. Complaints are just thinly veiled nnnwishes and seldom received in a spirit of cooperation, 2) Make sure that your facial nnexpressions, body language and tone of voice are congruent with your message. Often, a nnhostile or impatient tone of voice or angry facial expression will drown out a respectful nnrequest and, leave the recipient both confused, annoyed and distrustful so as to promote nnefforts to “figure you out” instead of relating to you and asking questions about what is nnconfusing them, 3) You may be communicating respectfully and considerately and still nnbe misinterpreted. Find out what was heard and straighten out any mistaken nninterpretations before they take on lives of their own. 4) Give feedback that establishes nnhow you are hearing and reacting to your partner’s remarks so that if your partners leave nna little bit to be desired in the empathy department you can teach them about the cause-nneffect relationships that influence your regard for them. For example, “Honey, when you nnpick up the newspaper as I tell you about the horrible day I had I take it that you don’t nncare about me outside of what you want from me. I feel rejected by you. I feel hurt, nnangry and rage full and feel like treating you like you treat me; like you don’t exist.” 5) Model respectful and considerate communications. Avoid anything that might be nnconstrued as an effort to use guilt and shame as tools of manipulation and control. No nnone wants to be anyone else’s pawn. Finally, 6) Scrupulously avoid self-righteousness; nnanything that might be interpreted as an ivory tower sermon. Leave the trained nnobservations to folks like myself. We get paid to deliver sugar coated pills. Happy nnrelating! nnnnn