We cannot be a world at peace until we are first a people of peace.n—Janet PfeiffernnI think it is fairly safe to say that at any given moment in our lives we have all encountered an angry individual: someone who may be yelling, threatening, ranting, or raging, someone who is out of control. How do you typically handle that kind of situation? Do you react by allowing yourself to get sucked into the angry person’s bad behavior and respond with more yelling? Or do you retreat in fear and avoidance?nnReacting is often your ego responding to a threat. (“Who do you think you are? How dare you speak to me that way!”) My ego tells me that if I huff and puff louder, the offender will back down. That will teach him that he is not going to get away with treating me that way.nnRetreating is usually fear: a lack of self-confidence in one’s ability to be successful when faced with a difficult situation.nnReacting can actually cause the situation to escalate. Retreating may leave one feeling weak and defeated. Neither is an effective strategy. However, there is a proven method that delivers amazing results. With a deeper awareness of the issues and some simple yet profound strategies, anyone can evoke a more positive response and turn conflict into cooperation.nLet me start by presenting you with the following scenario: Imagine that you have suffered a serious burn. You do not ignore it, expecting that it will fix itself. And you do not treat it with more heat. (Isn’t that what caused the problem in the first place? Too much heat?) The way to soothe the burn and prevent further damage to the skin is to apply the opposite of heat—cold, such as ice. Common sense, right?nnWhat about an allergic reaction? An antihistamine, not more of the allergen, provides relief. In a medical emergency the most effective treatment is very often found in the antithesis.nnThe same principle applies to an “emotional emergency,” such as anger out of control. When someone is hurt, you offer comfort; when he is lonely, friendship; when he is frightened, reassurance. See how that works? Simple, right? nnThis same concept applies to anger. To respond to an angry person with more anger is both foolish and potentially deadly. Angry people have been known to cause serious harm to others, even death. So what, then, is the antidote to anger? There are four key strategies to consider when trying to calm someone down. They are understanding, boundaries, compassion, and forgiveness.nnFirst, let us look at understanding. It is important to understand that we are all human and that sometimes we act out in an inappropriate manner. Behavior is merely an expression of what is going on inside. It is not a reflection of who a person is (his intrinsic value as a human being). Sometimes our emotions get the better (or should I say the worst) of us. Few people are trained to be fully attuned to their innermost selves, and most likewise have not learned appropriate methods of expressing anger. Also, I would like you to understand that underneath all anger lies either hurt, fear, or frustration. Knowing this, instead of dealing with the individual’s anger, assist him in identifying the underlying, or “root,” emotion. (“You sound really frustrated. What’s going on?" or “I know you’ve had a lot on your mind lately. Are you worried about your family?” Worry is a form of fear.)nnAll human beings crave to be understood. Understanding validates, comforts, and connects: “I can now be more understanding of human imperfections because I recognize that I posses them as well.”nnSecond is boundaries. These are critical guidelines (rules and regulations) that we set in all relationships to establish fairness, safety, and mutual respect. Every individual has a right and a responsibility to determine how she wants to be treated as well as what is not acceptable or permissible to her. Boundaries are most effective when established early in the relationship. If someone attacks you verbally, you may firmly (yet politely) inform him that before you can continue, he must calm down. Explain that you are willing to hear what he has to say but only under those conditions. (“I don’t work well when I feel like I’m being attacked. If you can calm down, I’d be more than happy to listen to you.”) If the person is unwilling or unable to accommodate your request, another rule might be that you will excuse yourself and return when the person has regained composure.nnThird is compassion. This word is defined by Webster’s as “a sympathetic consciousness of another’s distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” This concept, sadly, is foreign to so many people today. When I can connect with another’s pain and suffering, it brings our relationship to a much deeper level of understanding. My genuine concern for my fellow human being translates into a compassionate and heartfelt response. (“I’m so sorry that things are not going well for you. Is there anything I can do to help?”) I can tell you what I know for sure: Kindness and compassion are key ingredients for successful relationships on every level. Try adding compassion to your list of skills in dealing with an angry person, and watch what happens. It is almost magic!nnAnd finally, forgiveness. When someone offends me with her behavior or words, it often leaves in my heart and mind a residue of hurt and anger. Forgiveness cleanses that residue. It does not lessen or eradicate the offense. It simply means that (once again) I understand human weakness and imperfection, and I choose to no longer be angry about what has happened in the past. It frees me from resentment, grudges, and thoughts of retaliation. It restores my sense of inner peace and tranquility. It heals the hurt and allows for a healthier relationship with my (now) ally. We all need to forgive, just as we all need to be forgiven (for the times we have acted badly toward others).nnI am intelligent enough to know that you never pour gasoline on a fire. It only makes it burn longer and hotter. To safely extinguish a fire and prevent further damage, you apply the opposite: water, dirt, or baking soda. I now know that you never respond to anger with more anger. It only causes the situation to escalate and could have deadly consequences. To safely soothe out-of-control anger, you respond with the opposite: understanding, boundaries, compassion, and forgiveness.nn** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit
http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways3.html nn