The Talk About Talk

“The Talk About Talk”
by Amy Remmele

Everybody has ideas about what influences good communication in the workplace. Some say it’s that men and women are from different planets. Some say it’s about generational differences. Some even say it’s impossible!

After years of counseling couples in my private practice and business owners and employees in my business consulting practice, I say that it comes down to precious metals. Or more specifically, looking at two rules named after precious metals.
The first is a rule we have probably all heard, The Golden Rule. Treat others the way that you want to be treated. When it comes to giving global advice about interactions, this old adage is the best. By asking what we ourselves want from others, we will be guided to be respectful, to listen and to attend to what the other person is saying. We will be genuinely interested in what others think and feel, will be honest while being gentle, and will give support and advice, but will not seek to “rescue” others. We will also share our knowledge and expertise in a humble way, laugh with others, not at them, be as inclusive as we can be with everyone so nobody feels left out, share power and control and give more than we receive.

The second rule applies to more specific communication. It is the Platinum Rule. This rule states that you should communicate with people in the way in which they want to be communicated. In other words, check out the other person’s “interaction style” and adjust your communication based on this information. This does not mean that you will be changing “what you say,” just “how you say it.” Your message, your values and beliefs and what you say are a part of you. The Platinum Rule does not ask you to change that, or to be dishonest or untrue to yourself. But how you deliver your message, the style and language you use, can make the difference between being heard and understood or being misunderstood and dismissed.

Here is a very brief overview of styles, which are based on some basic belief systems. Some people believe that the world is a very friendly place, while others are more suspicious and cautious. Some people believe that they have some power and impact in the world, while others believe that they have very little power or effect. When we take these belief systems and mix them together in varying degrees, we get many different types of interaction styles. We have people who like to do business while being social, and those who like to get right down to and stick with business. We have people who want all the facts and figures to be perfect, and for whom doing the job “the right way” is at least as important as the final result. We have people who just want results and want them fast. We have people who cannot work unless the whole team is on the same page. We have people who want to come up with ideas while other people follow through and implement the ideas. We have some people who like to listen and some who like to talk. There are many different types and there are ways to get each type to understand what you are saying and ways to get each type to “join the team.”

When people are behaving naturally, you can observe their basic interaction style. This will probably not change dramatically. But style can be adjusted in order to make communication smoother and more productive. Ask yourself some questions before you interact with someone. How does this person like to interact? Does he/she like to chit chat? Does he/she like all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed? Does this person hate conflict? Does this person get flustered if time becomes too pressing? Once you have assessed the other person’s style, take a moment to adjust your style so that the interaction will glide along more smoothly.

Imagine a supervisor who wants fast results and who does not like to “waste time on idle talk.” Now imagine that this supervisor is about to go into the office of someone who likes to socialize and “play” a bit around her work. The supervisor could just storm into the office and demand the overdue report. This would probably result in a thrown together report and hurt feelings that may jeopardize the future relationship and future projects. What if the supervisor paused for a moment, reminded herself of just whom she was about to engage, and adjusted accordingly? Taking herself into account, this efficiency-minded supervisor would first remind herself that taking time now to do the interaction right may save the time later to repair the damaged relationship. Then she could take the few seconds it takes to ask about the upcoming office party or the new grandchild before moving into the business matter at hand.

This may be a good time to interject some “universal communication rules.” No matter what style you or the people in your life are, check out your body language. Your body speaks way louder than your words. So, if you are shaking your finger in someone’s face, no matter what is coming out of your mouth, they are hearing you say, “I am threatening you.” If you are looking down at the ground with slumped shoulders, they are hearing that you are afraid. So, be very aware of how your body is behaving. And there is an overall Cardinal Rule of Communication. Never show disgust to anyone that you want to continue having a relationship with. If you are unsure what your body is saying, check it out. There may be someone in your life who will give you honest feedback on what your tone and body are conveying. A professional can be a wonderful resource for this kind of feedback. One of their main jobs is to listen and understand what people are saying with words and actions and then to feed it back to clients in a useful way.

In the most efficient and productive workplaces and homes everyone knows everyone else’s interaction styles through formal assessments. Owners and supervisors and parents then lead and manage based on the styles. All interactions at all levels are done through mindfulness and awareness. Everyone feels respected and all voices are heard.

Imagine how much more interesting and exciting a supervisor’s day will be when she interacts with each of her employees in a different way that lets them know they are being treated as individuals. Imagine an even better scenario when they make a special point of adjusting to her and to each other. When everyone becomes the best communicator he or she can be, synergy happens, solutions are created, and productivity goes up and up.

So while generation and gender play their roles in communication, styles and how they are managed will go much further toward effective and productive interactions. Get your “style” checked out. For more information, contact
Amy Remmele at 716-626-5977 or go to www.peakofsuccess.com.