“You look like a cow.” When Kristen heard this, she was delighted and clapped her hands. When Linda heard these words, she was mortified and fled the room in tears. Why? Because they interpreted the words in very different ways. Kristen was dressed in a costume she had made herself for a masquerade party and was proud “to have pulled it off.” Linda had just topped the scales at 300 pounds and vowed never to wear a black and white print again. nnWhile this may be an overstated example, the point is irrefutable. We always have a choice in how we interpret and react to the world.nnTirade TednnTed’s supervisor calls Ted aside. “Ted, I’m not sure this project shows your best effort.” Ted has a choice in how to feel and how to react to his supervisor. One approach is to flash back unconsciously to his father’s frequent reprimands about his average performance on the football field in high school. With increasing anger he can recall humiliating moments when his father harangued him about a missed catch or a pass that fell short. He can feel the resentment that he never felt he measured up to his father’s expectations. nnTed can become defensive, cut off the remainder of his boss’s comments, turn beet red, increase his blood pressure, and start to yell, “I can’t do it all! I do most of the work around here, while those idiots in the other department sit on their butts all day picking out screen savers and betting on teams. If it wasn’t for me, this project would still be in planning.”nnIf, however, Ted has put some thought into what motivates him, he might take another approach. His father’s expectation of him was to be the “star.” But that is not what motivates Ted. What motivates Ted is to be respected for his work and considered a good team player, who will always “come through.” He also wants to earn enough money to put his two kids through college with a minimum of student loans (which he figures he will have to pay anyway). nnSo when his supervisor says, “Ted, I’m not sure this project shows your best effort,” Ted can recognize the surge of some old feelings and take a couple of deep breaths to manage his mood. He can remind himself that this man is not his father, he is not in high school, and this is not football. Moving past that, he can ask for some clarification: “I’d like to hear more about how you see my performance on this project.”nnTed can take his feelings of anxiety and use them to improve his performance. While his supervisor explains, Ted can evaluate each comment objectively. He may acknowledge that he had so many assignments that he passed over some critical details on the current project. Ted might disagree with some of his supervisor’s feedback but recognize the need to put more structure in his workday in order to juggle all the projects without compromising his reputation and the final result. To listen and respond to his supervisor’s feedback with an open mind, to be aware of “what sets him off” and what motivates him, enables Ted to be in control of his emotions and his life.nnThe Red CottagennOld feelings can be favorable and evoke positive emotions. Every summer of my childhood was spent in a three-room cottage on the lake with my father, brother, aunt, uncle, and three cousins. We had bunks, a sofa bed, cots, a fireplace, and a huge kitchen table, all of which made it quite cozy. (Some people might have thought of it as cramped, but not us.) Everyone who showed up at breakfast time was welcomed by my father, who created each person’s first pancake in the shape of his initial. We had the only phone on the dirt road for many years, so our cottage was frequently abuzz with friends and neighbors who lingered to visit with us after their phone calls. nnTo this day, I see a certain shade of red on a house, and I am favorably disposed toward that structure. Mind you, the foundation can be crumbling, the porch slanted, and the plumbing may predate World War I, but my initial reaction is typically “I love it!” nnIn this situation I need to be aware of my emotional triggers and manage my positive emotions. (Boomers-Trigger is no longer just a horse or part of a revolver—it is something that stimulates a thought or feeling.) I need to remind myself, “I am not 10, my father has passed away, my cousins live in another state, and the structure is crumbling. Buying this will not recreate my childhood. In fact, if I buy this red building, I could end up like the Wicked Witch of the West, with only my foot visible beneath the collapsed structure.” Without this self-awareness and management of my reaction, I could be the owner of 14 red houses in jeopardy of being condemned as unsafe.nnBeing aware of what motivates me enables me to create the life I want without going into foreclosure on condemned properties. I can create the feeling the red cottage represents any place I put down roots. I can select friends who choose not to be “victims.” I can gravitate toward men and women whose view of the world is compatible with my own. I can enjoy the company of people who possess skills and interests different than my own so that I can learn, laugh, and grow from our conversations. My time can be spent with people who support and challenge me but never tell me how I should feel and welcome my ideas and listen to my stories with pleasure. I can purchase (in fact, I have purchased) enough silverware to feed the neighborhood if I choose to do so. In other words, I can create the red cottage with any color I choose.nnBeing in control of our lives does not mean that we always get our way or that everything is picture perfect (how dull would that be?). Being in control is really about recognizing and managing our emotions and being aware of what motivates us. It means that rather than going off like a Roman candle, we think about the situation. True, if someone says to me, “You look like a cow,” I may cast a surreptitious glance at my hips and peruse my outfit before thinking, “Perhaps they mean nurturing.” When a client or colleague challenges me, I will stay in the present and not relive the angst of adolescence while listening. And perhaps, with great effort, I will not buy 10 red cottages.nnn** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit
http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways3.html nn