4 Things to Know Before Confronting Your Partner About Cheating

Kim vacillates between raging anger and tears. She has lived with the suspicion that her husband was having an affair for almost a year and now she is sure. She has her proof and she wishes it was different. Confronting her husband about his affair-- that's still going on-- is not something that Kim wants to do. At the same time, she can't go on pretending that everything is okay in their marriage anymore. For months she has put on a smile and acted as if nothing has changed, mostly for the sake of their young children. But now, for the sake of her children and herself, she refuses to keep up the facade. Kim's parents are taking her children to their house for the weekend and she plans to let her husband know that she is aware of his cheating and that this can't go on. Even though Kim is still not sure if she will stay in the marriage-- this decision partly depends on how her husband responds-- she is 100% certain that she has to get the infidelity out in the open and make some decisions afterward. If you have discovered that your partner is cheating, you might feel compelled to do a few things: -- Pretend that you don't know and deny the whole thing. -- Rush to your partner screaming, yelling and throwing things. -- Pack up and leave and maybe write a not telling him or her why. There is not one “right” answer when it comes to responding to your partner's infidelity. You've got to figure out what you can and will do at this time. Be gentle to yourself and surround yourself with support while making the decision about what's next. If you choose to confront your partner, it doesn't have to be a nasty, screaming and shouting match. In fact, it's really best for everyone if you can be as calm as possible. This isn't to be “nice” to your cheating partner, it's to make sure that you get what you want out of the conversation. If possible, don't go to your partner when you are feeling raw or possibly in shock about discovering the affair. Take some time and get clear. Gather yourself, your courage and the facts together and then go to your partner to let him or her know what you know. 4 things to know when confronting your partner about an affair...#1: Know your reasons for confronting him or her. You might still be undecided about whether or not you will stay in this relationship. That's okay, get clear about why you want to confront your partner about the infidelity. Again, there are no “right” answers. Maybe you want to know how he or she could have hurt you in this way. Perhaps you want your mate to know that you will not stay in this relationship as long as the affair continues. It could be that you want to face your relationship problems and see if they can be improved. #2: Know your indisputable facts (and have them with you). Make sure that you have reliable proof that your partner was (or is) cheating and, if you can, have them with you when you two talk. If your proof is indisputable, don't let your partner try to dismiss you or tell you that you're making all of this up. You can choose to listen to his or her “side” and weigh that with what you know. It's probably wise not to confront your partner about an affair if your proof is inconclusive or comes from a questionable source. Evaluate the validity of your facts before you accuse or even interrogate your partner. Ultimately, back yourself up with the reliable evidence you have gathered that shows your partner cheated. This can help you avoid time-wasting arguments or denials. #3: Know what you want and what you want to know. Even if you haven't made up your mind about whether you'll stay in this relationship or leave it, there are plenty of things that you probably DO know very clearly. Come to this communication about your partner's affair knowing what you want. Be sure to also bring along a mental (or written) list of the questions that you'd like him or her to answer. Here are some examples.... -- “I want to know if you will end the affair?” -- “Will you prove to me that you did end the affair?” -- “Will you have a test for STDs (sexually transmitted diseases)?” -- “I want you to sleep in the spare bedroom for awhile.” -- “I want you to meet with a relationship coach with me.” -- “Why did you cheat?” Your list of questions and what you want might be more practical or they may be more abstract and pertain to motivations. #4: Know your limits. Everyone has a “bottom line.” This is that place where there is no room for compromise and very little (or no) flexibility. Figure out what your limits and your bottom line are before you talk with your partner about his or her cheating and decide what's next. As you determine what your limits are, be honest with yourself. These are not ultimatums, but what will you do if your partner will not honor your limit? Will that mean your relationship is over? Will it mean you will reconsider your limit? It's best to identify the limits that you will stick with no matter what...and then really follow through and stick with them.