Having worked for three years on a one to one basis with several children with autism approximately since 2003, I was beginning to see a current theme in the way that those children communicated; very robotic, unnatural, scripted and disconnected. Communication is so important, it is a tool to connecting with other human beings, with this being distorted and weak it means that interactions are not strong and this affects quality of life in the short and long term. This was one of the main things that encouraged me to look for something more than covering up deficits with scripts and conditioned responses. I found Relationship Development Intervention (RDI®). RDI® gives attention to communication and understands the importance of interaction and connection.
Communication is a two-way thing and it is, therefore, so important to reassess how we use our communication given that this has an effect on other people's responses and the quality of our interactions. When we come from this angle we can learn to control how we communicate rather than force a child to speak in a different way, which may feel unnatural to them, let alone a lot of pressure which in itself can cause a shut down of communication.
We could divide our communication into multiple types but for the purpose of this article I will divide it into just two types; experience sharing and instrumental communication.
Experience sharing communication is what humans are made for; it's what makes us unique and interesting and make emotional connections with other people. Experience sharing communication makes up approximately 80% of all our communication, making it an important type of communication to develop. Sharing experiences and emotions help us to understand each other's thoughts, feelings, mental processes, past, plans and it also acts as an insight into another person's mind. Experience/ emotion sharing helps to develop an enriched communication between people and is something more than a 'means to an end' style of being with one another.
Instrumental communication is usually for a 'means to an end' style that involves, predominantly, questions and instructions, leaving little or no opportunity for sharing minds. Unfortunately because the feedback cycle with children with autism is sometimes quite unresponsive, as guides we tend to resort to questions and instructions just to get a response, this is usually for our own needs to get a response from children rather than to benefit the child and develop their understanding and communication. Instrumental communication limits conversation, connection and mindfulness. It is still important for a child to be able to respond to and use instrumental communication as it makes up the other 20% of all communication however it shouldn't be the only focus of communication when experience sharing is at 80%. The experience sharing is where attention should go, as this is often harder for a child on the spectrum and also essential for them to have a better quality of life.
Here are 5 tips to change your communication style and make a difference:
1 Increase your use of comments and statements Begin to use more statements and comments than questions and instructions. Strategies 2, 3 and 4 will help you to do this.
2 Share what you are thinking Talk through your problem solving strategies, say what you like and don't like, talk about what you are planning, reminisce about past events, and share something that amused you.
3 Reduce and limit questions and instructions Start to assess if you really need to ask a question. Who are you doing it for, you or your child? Do you know that the child already knows the answer? If so, how is that going to help your child develop by asking them the same question?
This could even sound like an indirect prompt. For example instead of say 'put your coat on' you could say 'hmm, it looks like it will be cold out... I'm going to put my coat on.'
4 Replace verbal communication with non-verbal communication The more you use non-verbal communication the less likely you are to speak, it's a good tip when you are trying to reduce the amount of uncommunicative waffle that comes out of your mouth!
5 Accept no response This may sound strange and could feel quite different from what you are currently doing but experience sharing communication is invitational communication it does not require a response and so your child does not have to give a response if they don't want to. BUT this is not wasted because you are modeling the communication you would like your child to use eventually and your child will be processing what you are saying to them (if you are providing enough time for them to do so). So learn to accept no response from your child and get comfortable with this for a while because demanding a response is not experience sharing it is pressure and pressure doesn't have great results. This takes time.
Here is an excerpt from a client's journal about what they have observed and are happy to share, after applying these tips within their RDI® programme...
Jill and Jon Allan, Newcastle, have been doing RDI® for nearly 2 years with Evie, aged 5, and 1 year with Joey, aged 2, both children have autism.
"Joey is really tuned in at the moment. We're getting so much eye contact, which seems to be just because he enjoys it and wants that connection. He's always shown some awareness of prosody, but I notice now he'll begin to smile just at the sound of my voice sometimes - if I'm being playful. He is also being so cheeky in a good way - seemingly deliberately doing stuff just to get a reaction (just silly stuff) and be playful. He is full of smiles and kisses for both Jon and I and is seeking us out more and more to play. He's also responding more to instructions e.g. I just asked him (verbally and non-verbally) to bring me something and he did.
Evie can't get enough of us at the moment and every evening wants Jon and I to both play with her - catch and swinging her around, ring-a-ring-a-roses etc. She obviously loves being involved and when she catches the balloon and is really part of it she is thrilled. At school they've also noticed how much more present she is and she's been using PECS for more experience-sharing language as well as just to ask for stuff. On Jon's birthday she understood it was his birthday and said 'Happy Birthday' and gave him his presents to open (amazingly as she LOVES presents). Evie is also responding more to requests and doing a bit of problem-solving type stuff e.g. I was making her dinner and said to her 'oh no, I can't find the ketchup' (knowing she knew where it was) - she immediately went and brought it to me - I didn't ask her to, but she worked out to do that herself."
The impacts of changing your communication style are really big. I challenge you to assess your current communication style and implement the tips given in this article and see how you can make a difference.
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