5 Feelings Guaranteed to Kill A Relationship

5 Feelings Guaranteed to Kill A Relationship

The one ingredient in all relationships that cannot be avoided is communication. As we all know there are always positive and negative ways to communicate our thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, cares and concerns to a partner.
Experiencing relational bliss is predicated on positive communication that expresses love, care, trust and understanding. On the opposite end negative communication traits lead to painful exchanges that literally kill a relationship.

My experience in counseling has led to five of the most prevalent feelings that are guaranteed to kill a relationship. These relationship killers are feeling of powerlessness, being denigrated, being hopelessly trapped, being incited to rebellion and being forced to fight or flee.

The stage for these feelings to surface lies in one partner’s inflated self-esteem. It begins as one partners’ self-promotion to a role of dominance in the relationship that they never relinquish.
The result is the subordinate partner becomes emotionally challenged because they perceive they have few options but to submit to the thinking of the other. This perception is where the unbalanced traits of the relationship take shape.

Powerlessness

Feelings of powerlessness, in a relationship, begin as one partner’s personality becomes dwarfed by the other who exhibits a more dominate personality. The first sign revolve around the contrast of the two individuals. One partner can be seen as energetic and lively. They tend to be more socially active verses socially aloof.

The dominant partner tends to be quite talkative in nature verses the other person who is quiet and reserved. Society seems to gravitate to personalities that are highly opinionated, very lively and self confident in different settings.

The key to the feeling of powerless is the reduction of ones individualism and the value of their internal thoughts, abilities and personal traits based of being an introvert verses an extrovert.
Denigrated

Feeling denigrated is rooted in the violation of ones partner’s emotional sense of well-being. The expression, he/she is walking all over him/her, illustrates the point. The walking all over of a person can be figurative and/or actual example. It is invading the emotional territory of ones partner in how they thinks or feel about them-selves.

In powerlessness the partner is being told that their self-expression is not valid. Here the person has no voice at all except when they are alone. In their mind their opinion may have validity but when they attempt to express their mind’s perspective they are told it is not valid. Their partner shots down their ideas, feelings and self-esteem time and time again.
Trapped

The best image of being trapped is the scene in a movie where the dinosaur is caught in a tar pit. They are trapped with little or no hope of being rescued and all calls for help are made in vain. Here the partner feels they have no autonomy to think or feel on their own.
The subordinate person is besieged by their dominant partner’s view to stay trapped in the image they have cast for them. Independent thinking is not seen as a viable option for the partner who feels dwarfed in the relationship.

In many cases, the dwarfed partner feels that the sinking tar pit of their relationship afford them a limited or a bleak vision of their future.

Rebellion

The feelings of rebellion are an attempt to reclaim personal dignity in the relationship. As the dominant partner applies pressure to maintain dominance in the relationship the subordinate attempts to rebel to redefine himself or herself.
And true to the nature of rebellion the dominant partner finds the efforts of their subordinate puzzling. The rebellious actions of the dwarfed partner to regain their self-dignity are seen as unnecessary and out of the established norms for the relationship.

The dominant partner cannot fathom that their idea of the relationship norms are skewed to favor their perspective. Their comfort zone of the relationship is the dominant partner possessing the top rung of authority.

Fight or Flee

The fight or flee feeling can be summed up by the cartoon character Popeye when he said, “this is all I can stand, I can stand no more.” If the feelings of rebellion have not enabled the dwarfed partner to redefine himself or herself with a sense of dignity, what can they do?

The fight or flee feelings manifests itself as two last ditch options for the dwarfed partner in an unbalanced relationship. The partner has two options they can exercise in the relationship. First, they can give in to the perspective of the dominant partner and remain feeling powerless, degraded and trapped while allowing their relationship to stay the same.

Second, if the dwarfed partner gains the courage to redefine them-selves they can bail out of the unbalanced relationship and restore equity between them. This is only accomplished when both partners view each other’s personality as unique and valuable.

If the dominant partner does not recognize the emotional plight that are causing their partner the bail out is bailing out of the entire relationship. The in-balance in the relationship is corrupted due to a lack of respect and positive regard.

Relationships thrive on the emotional validation of each partner where love, care, trust and understanding are the four corners of relating.