5 Ways to Squash a Marriage Tantrum

Dinner is on the stove, company is due to arrive in 15 minutes, and something said between you and your spouse sets a fire between you that starts to rage. Quick! What do you do? Do you cancel company? Do you make a nice excuse that one of you has fallen ill?

Your marriage is having a tantrum.

Who hasn’t seen a tantrumming toddler in the mall, kicking and screaming as mom carries kid out to the car? Parents know that there is no reasoning with a kid mid-tantrum. You wait it out. You reason later once things have settled down- post tantrum. So too in love.

In a marriage tantrum, you lose your mind, literally . Renowned relationship researcher John Gottman studied the heart rate of marrieds, mid-argument. What he found was that as tempers flare, the heart rates rises. Have you ever noticed noticed that in the midst of a marriage tantrum, practical, coherent dialogue is gone? Have you ever noticed that mid-argument you may find yourself repeating the same things over and over again? You can chalk all that up to your tantrum brain. There’s no reasoning in marriage tantrums. You wait it out. You press pause and wait for your logical, non tantrum brain to return.

Marital tantrums can be cooled down with tailor made “time outs:” 15-20 minutes spent soothing or self-soothing, to get the heart rate down. Parents have strategies for tantrums, so too should marrieds. The key is creating a tantrum plan that is tailored for your relationship.
5 Tips to Handle Marriage Tantrums
1. Decide that learning how to deal with a marriage tantrum is an important skill and dedicate yourself to learning some new tricks. No sense in trying out new tricks if you aren't 100% on board with the utility of the hard work!

2. Nip it in the bud. Pay attention. What is the first sign that your conversation with your mate is taking a turn for the worst? Think small. Is is a movement in the mouth or a hand gesture your spouse makes? Learn to recognize or remind yourself what the early signs of a potential blow up look like so you can nip issues in the bud.

3. Study your mate. Ask them, “What is one thing that I can do for you when you are stressed to help you relax and calm down?” Put that information in your mental marriage manual for future use.

4. Know how to calm yourself down, with or without the help of your spouse. Do you know how to calm yourself down? How do you do it? What do you do or not do? Can your spouse help you calm down? Give your spouse some specific ideas about the unique ways to help you relax.

5. Code words: Every couple has unique code words that can bring levity, break tension, or remind you that you are committed to your relationship even in the midst of a big blowup. Think of a code-word or two and either negotiate its use, or just try it out the next time an issue arises (because, let’s face it, issues do come up).