50 Shades of What?

Have you read or heard about Fifty Shades of Grey? If not, you likely will in the near future. It is prime vacation time in the USA and right now there are likely thousands of women, and maybe a few men, sitting on a beach reading this novel. I heard that sales have reached something like 50 million worldwide. A number of my clients have made reference to women they know reading this book, which is being referred to as" Mommy Porn". What is going on here? I confess that I haven’t actually read this book and can’t pass judgment, but clearly this book has tapped into a social trend related to women looking for ways spice up their fantasy life and/or sex life. As a marriage coach I can't help but wonder if this is a symptom of people feeling a lack of passion and romance in their own marriage, even perhaps boredom, along with a deep desire for something more. Many times people are not in touch with what they really feel or desire and even if they are they are afraid to express it. Real relationships seem to take too much work. Here's how one of my clients described it: I always thought I was basically passionless. What I have discovered is that is not true. I convinced myself I didn’t really feel passionate about anything because I was uncomfortable expressing my opinions and my desires out of fear of people’s reactions – being judged, rejected, or shamed. I learned to repress myself and became disconnected from my own thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions. As I’m learning to discover what is important to me, what I really think, feel, and want, I am realizing I do have passion. As I am learning to give voice to myself I am energized. People around me are finding me more interesting and I am finding myself more interesting. It is a rush to speak the truth and not hide. Do you dare express your real passion, in the bedroom and in your life in general? Sometimes we want to suppress what we really want because it is safer than being vulnerable in a real relationship. If reading Fifty Shades of Grey or whatever gives you ideas and sparks some romance in your marriage that's great but be careful not to use it just to distract yourself from what you need to confront and nurture in your life and your relationship.