An Eternal Mother's Day

What does a mother do on Mother’s Day, or every day for that matter, when one of her children has died? What does she do with the emptiness of that child’s non-presence, even as she continues to receive joy from her living children? Does she reach out to her deceased child through prayer? Does she await a sign? HOW DOES SHE CONNECT?nnMother’s Day is a holiday that brings freshness to our loss and ignites our sadness, no matter how many Mother’s Days we have spent without our child or what age they were when they died. It’s also a special day when our living children (if we are fortunate to have them) celebrate us and when we celebrate our children. But our loss sits next to the hugs, cards and celebration nevertheless. Someone is missing.n nMy middle child, Josh, was struck by a car and killed 6 ½ years ago. At the time, his sisters were just about 12 and 19. Answering the question that comes so often, “How many children do you have?” was often cumbersome. Do I say “it”? Do I say 3? Or do I say 2? But that’s not fair to Josh because he will always be my child. A friend gave me the answer I was seeking a few Mother’s Days ago when she left a bouquet of 3 roses at my door with a note, “You will always be the mother of 3.” And there it was; permission. I gained resolve not to leave Josh out of my response despite the risk of bringing a stranger to tears. Yet, how do I keep him active in my life? How do I mother him?n nMembership in the “Mothers whose child has died” club is one that is every mother’s worst nightmare. Club members understand each other. We honor our children in ways that work for each of us. Our grief may be expressed differently and our coping skills may vary but our bond is certain, as is our desire to share stories and help each other take another step forward.n nIn this light I share my experience, one which may help keep your child “present.” Josh has given me a blessing, a portal to “hear” his voice. With his help, I offer a roadmap to other moms who yearn deeply for their child and seek answers to questions that haunt them at night, or who feel the jolt of loss as the car passes the baseball field where he swung a bat, or who are overcome with grief at the grocery store when it hits you that your child is not there to eat the cereal you reach for. The questions and wondering keep coming….“Is he OK? Is she safe? Talk to me. I miss you. Do you hear me when I pray for you? How do I reach you?” n nHere is how the connecting works for Josh and me. For an instant…between seconds and before words….I feel Josh’s presence. I KNOW what he is saying to me. Thought is transcended. Effort is nil. I am just present with Josh. Then the impulse translates into the language I know; my thoughts become words. Where does this link come from? Can I help another mother searching to connect to her child?n nIt is said in the Talmud that it is our responsibility to speak to those who have died and that in doing so, we vitalize their soul. I was comforted to learn this from a Rabbinic scholar with whom I study. This knowledge gave me a sense of responsibility to talk TO Josh. Not just to WAIT to hear FROM Josh. I realized that our “communication” had been mostly when Josh came to me, often through the written word. Now I have a meaningful reason to cultivate my communicating TO Josh, knowing that I will be energizing his soul. In this way, I still get to mother him. TALK TO YOUR CHILD. Cultivate the connection. This is what will breathe life back into you and energize your child’s eternal soul. n nMother’s Day is a perfect occasion to reconnect to our precious sons and daughters, a time to feel fullness amidst the emptiness, pain and sorrow. We just can’t SEE our child. So, close your eyes where there is no noise or distraction. Go to a place where it is possible to feel your child, to find your child, to KNOW that they are there. Mothers, will you surrender to what I am suggesting? You have to have faith that this is possible. Your child will help you. What you seek is so close. The portal to reach your child is through your heart, the place where you will always feel intense love for your child. Our minds are filled with memories and thoughts, but our hearts are filled with love. Our children want to hear from us. Go to your heart to ignite the connection. That is where your motherly journey continues on Mother’s Day and every day.n n© 2009. Nancy H. Rothstein