Breaking the Same Old, Same Old Pattern

I don’t want to be lonely no more.nI don’t want to have to pay for this.nI don’t want another lover at my door.nJust another heartache for my list.n—Rob Thomas, “Lonely No More” (2004)nnHow many of you relate to the words of Rob Thomas’ hit single? You want to share your life with someone, really love someone, and yet over and over again, you find yourself in relationships that are not working for you. In your search for Mr. or Ms. Right, how many of you have found that the consequences of your choice have been painful and sometimes even traumatic? Divorce, financial loss, and a decrease in your confidence and self-trust along with emotional scars can all result from choices that were made in good faith. nnThere are those of you who find that too often, you meet a person who is too busy, so you do not feel as important as that person’s work, or even his golf game. Some of you may have a pattern of being with people who are manipulative, passive aggressive, or financially unstable. Or you may unknowingly invite into your life someone emotionally abusive and unstable or with an addiction that is draining and depletes your spirit.nnThe key to moving out of this pattern or comfort zone (even though it feels uncomfortable, it is familiar) is awareness. Identify your pattern by closely examining all your relationships, particularly those you invite in as potential partners. Take the time to journal. What are their characteristics? How do these characteristics reflect who you are in relationship to yourself? Or how do they reflect a belief that you hold about yourself at a core level? An abusive person may be an indicator of how you abuse yourself with self-criticism and self-doubt. Underlying this may be a belief that you are not good enough or not worthy of the best that life has to offer.nnOur outer worlds reflect our inner worlds. Your relationships are a clue to what you are thinking and feeling on the inside. For instance, if you believe that you are unworthy, you vibrate at that frequency and attract others into your life who also vibrate at that frequency, regardless of how confident they appear to be. They may behave differently than you, and yet the core belief from which they operate is the same. nnThere are important action steps along with increasing your consciousness so you can make different choices. First, own, embrace, and forgive what you see inside yourself. This is vital.nnNext, start to envision what you do want to attract into your life and feel deep inside what that would be like for you. Practice coming from a place of love rather than fear. Instead of feeling constricted, your heart will be open and expansive while you are envisioning what you want. You will then create a reality field that will allow positive results. Once you shift at a core level, the flow of people who come into your life will shift as well.nnAdd in action steps that are grounded in reality. Patrick Carnes, in The Betrayal Bond, has many powerful activities. Make a list of your “must-haves” in your relationships, particularly with your partner. Coming from a place of worthiness, be clear about what you want, and commit to following through on this without settling for less. What are the boundaries that you will set for yourself in terms of your behavior? Be specific and concrete. Examples might be the following: I will not try to change or rescue someone; I will not try to talk myself into someone; if my body is telling me that I am unsafe with this person, I will leave. List your relationship goals, which may look like taking 100 percent responsibility for yourself and not making yourself wrong. nnMost importantly, what will you do to take care of yourself? Make a list of what you plan to do to address your needs separate from looking to someone else to fulfill you. Think of the metaphor that you are the cake and a relationship is the icing. Audition those who you put into your life from the perspective of what they will add to it. nnShifting out of old comfort zones around how you relate is possible. You can use your past experiences to move forward and create healthy, whole relationships with others because you have created that quality of relationship with yourself—worthy, important, much-appreciated, and valued as you are—and that foundational relationship with yourself will be reflected in all aspects of your life: at home, at work, with your friends, and in your larger community. Enjoy that cake . . . and the special icing on top!nn** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways3.html n