Communication Advice When Your Relationship Just Seems Stuck

It’s all about you. If you’re like most people, that’s probably not a sentence you feel comfortable reading! On one hand, you were probably told by someone as you were growing up that “the world doesn’t revolve around you” or something to that effect. In other words, you were judged as being selfish for being self-centered. On the other hand, if it’s all about you than there’s a hefty sense of responsibility for whatever is going on or perceived as wrong.

We’re here to tell you that affirming to yourself that “It’s all about you” can actually help free you from a stuck place in your relationship. When you really grasp what this means and embrace that it is really all about you, communication tends to flow more smoothly with your partner and you can more easily connect and share intimacy with your love.

Jordan and Marc have both noticed the distance that seems to keep growing between them over the past few weeks. It all started with a deceptively simple conversation they had about their house. With 3 kids, it feels to Jordan like they’ve more than outgrown their home. She is ready to start preparing their current house for sale and looking at new homes. In fact, she is really excited about what might be next for them. Well, she was. Marc, who is the financial planner of their family, is currently struggling with many money fears not to mention the fact that he reads the dismal news about the real estate market in the paper every day. During their talk, it seemed to Jordan that Marc put up walls whenever she talked about wanting a new house and planning to move. In turn, Jordan shut down and felt resentful that her desires were not being listened to. At the end of their simple chat, they’d both dug in their heels and closed to one another and since then that’s only intensified.

If you’ve ever been in a situation where you and your mate locked horns over a particular issue, you can probably relate to this scenario. It’s clear to Jordan that Marc is being stubborn and closed-minded. Yes, she knows about the real estate market and that buying a new house is a big financial step, but she’d like to at least think about how this could happen for them. In a similar way, it’s clear to Marc how stubborn and closed-minded (naïve even) Jordan is being.

How can this couple move past their stalemate and to solutions that will feel good to both of them and—most important of all— to connecting communication that will bring them closer together?

It’s all about you!
Start out by remembering our loaded statement that “It’s all about you.” Both Jordan and Marc can temporarily direct their attentions inward. Taking a closer look at the habitual ways you tend to act and react when tense situations with your partner arise is essential. When your mate disagrees with you (even on something less significant), how do you feel inside? Do you feel like you have to instantly defend your “side” or that you even have a right to feel the way you do?

If your habit is to be defensive even to the point of discounting your mate’s feelings, take notice of that. When your partner shuts down in the middle of a conversation, it may not be your fault, but chances are pretty good that you are playing a role.

It’s all about you!
Sometimes when we dig in our heels and shut down to our partner, it’s because we don’t feel confident or secure in who we are or what we’re saying. Jordan knows that she doesn’t take as much responsibility for financial planning as Marc does and she’s also very aware that he earns more money than she does. Both of these factors contribute to Jordan’s defensiveness around wanting to move. Inside, she feels like she doesn’t have a right to have these desires and even before Marc voiced a concern, she was in defensive mode. This kind of doomed their conversation to begin with!

So is it all Jordan’s fault? Of course not. Marc came to their house talk with his own preconceived notions. Jordan can’t force Marc to perceive their disagreement differently no matter how much it would be helpful for both of them. What she can do is to become aware of how she is feeling—the defensiveness, insecurity, desire for a bigger house, excitement for something new-- all of it. As she is aware of her own tendencies, emotions and beliefs, she can make choices to approach things differently.

It’s all about you!
You can change the way you see any situation. In fact, you can’t change how anyone else but you perceives anything. You can choose to set aside your fears, resentment and all of the stories you tell yourself. You can choose to open to solutions that will serve both you and your partner. And you can approach yourself, your love and the situation with a broader perspective and expansive love. n